Brian and I get this question a lot. How will you tell the boys they are adopted? Well, our answer is usually pretty simple. We already do. Our kids are 4 years old and 21 months. Too young to have the situation explained to them. Basically, we talk about it. If someone asks, we tell them the truth. "Yep, they're adopted." If someone asks for more details about adoption, our experiences, or is just curious, we do our best to educate them about adoption. Our sons' personal histories are their own and we do not share details.
If we do not make a big deal about their adoptions, why would they? That is kind of our motto. Also, being honest. If the boys ask questions, we will give them answers. The last time I wrote a letter and sent pictures to the agency for our Brice's birth parents I asked him to draw a picture for them. He did. As he was drawing and coloring, I said to him. "We're going to mail this to the adoption agency so your birth mother can hang it on her fridge, just like we do."
That's it...no major Dr. Phil moments here. I do not know if what we're doing is the right approach. I do know I have seen what happens when parents are not open. I had friends who were adopted and had no idea until adulthood. As a kid I knew they were adopted, but they did not. I always thought it was wrong of their parents to keep such a secret.
Adoption is a celebration. We celebrated on the days we finalized with the courts and our boys were officially ours. We celebrate the fact we were hand picked for our boys. We celebrate the fact our kids' birth families were so unselfish. We think it's all pretty great.
In this day and age, families are formed in many different ways. I think the idea of a "traditional family" has gone out the window. We are just another example how a family can come together. I think our boys will grow up hearing that and hopefully will understand it. They are special, so special in fact, their parents were hand selected. Pretty cool for us.
My friend Mandy did a post on this topic today including an excellent article she found on how to talk to your child about adoption. Visit her blog!
3 comments:
We are also very open with our children about their adoption stories. Our agency explained that it's best for children to not remember a specific time they learned that their parents adopted them, but rather they should be picking up pieces of their story along the way and see it as a very normal part of life. If Dad & Mom take it in stride, and other family members and friends also, they probably will, too. :)
I cannot imagine the pain of learning later in life about such an important detail of your life. It would feel like such a betrayal and would probably cause me to question everything else I was told about my life, too!
Ironically, we had people ask us in the beginning if we were going to tell our newborn daughter that we adopted her. But we adopted transracially. Not sure what that was about. ;)
I love the new layout and background, very cute!!!
I think it is great that you don't hide it from your boys, and that you'll be honest with them. I love the idea of sending art work! I hope my son's family will do that for me from time to time, that would make such a great addition to the scrap book I've made of all his updates!
I think we're going about it in much the same way. Anna knows she was born in Russia, but has not idea, at 3, where that is or what we mean by adopted. I imagine the challenge for us will come not in the form of how do we tell her, but what happens when she is able to put it all together. I hope she celebrates, as we do, and sees it as no big deal... she'll react as she reacts, though, so we'll see...
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