11/30/09

Birth Mom v. Adoptive Mom

There are many stereotypes that plague birth moms:  too young, promiscuous, uneducated, poor, addiction to drugs and/or alcohol.  Birth moms do not necessarily chose adoption because they fit into the above stereotypes.  They have many reasons for their own personal decision.

Stereotypes are also placed on adoptive parents, especially adoptive mothers.  We are sometimes thought of as desperate to have a child, wealthy and arrogant.  Well, I can certainly tell you we are not all rich.  Not even close.  Although I wanted to be a mother very badly, I do not believe I ever became desperate.  Brian and I discussed the possibility of not becoming parents and what our lives would be like.

I think the stereotypes surrounding adoption are used to separate birth moms and adoptive moms.  In actuality, I think we may be more alike than different.  We both love our children so much we would do anything for them.  The love we have for our children cannot be measured.  I do not believe I am doing a better job of raising my boys than their birth mothers would have done.  We all try our best as mothers and to do what is right. Although the circumstances surrounding their birth mothers and me may be different, we will always have one common link.  We love our boys.

Kenya

My cousin recently returned from a mission trip to Kenya.  After returning, he learned last week that the orphanage he was working at had been burglarized and people were raped and injured.  They are attempting to raise funds to insure safety and to provide counseling for the victims.  If you would like to learn more please visit my cousin-in-law's blog at

http://carefulshesplashes.blogspot.com/2009/11/breathin-in-and-outs-blessing-cant-you.html

You can learn more and find out how you can help.  Thanks for taking the time to learn more.

Family

We had a fun Thanksgiving!  My 83 year old grandmother was able to come to Thanksgiving this year.  I believe this holiday was the most time I have been able to spend with my grandma in years; if not ever.  We played a lot of cards, told a lot of stories, remembered my grandfather, and she got to know my boys.  Great Grandma and Brice became good buddies.

We had about 20 family members at my cousin's house for Thanksgiving.  There were several members still missing, who were not able to make the trip and we missed them. We played games, took the kids to the playground and ate so much food it was embarrassing.  I think fun was had by all.

Family can be a lot of fun, this is the most fun we have all had together in years.  Hope everyone else's Thanksgiving was as enjoyable.

Brice showing his Great Grandma how his puzzle is done.

11/27/09

I'm An Adoptee Too

A friend I have known since kindergarten answers my questions.
32 year old male
1. How old were you when you were adopted?
I was a newborn
2. How were you told you had been adopted and at what age?

12 and my parents told me at the dinner table
3. Were you ever spoken to in a negative way about being adopted by friends, classmates or family members? 
 My parents had said a few times that they wished they had gotten another kid instead of me and that they could tell I was not theirs.

4. How did you handle questions or comments about your adoption?
Never really had questions from anyone, my friends were very supportive and most of them were adopted as well.
5. Did you ever seek out your birth parent(s)? 

I did but was told I could not find them.
6. Were your adoptive parents supportive of your decision to meet or to find your birth parent(s)?

They acted like they were but they knew I could never find them, because my files were           sealed
7. What made you want to find your birth parent(s) or to meet them?

Started out just wanting to know why they didn't want me but then after my parents             started to say things to me it made me want to find them more even though I knew I could never find them.
8. Has adoption affected you positively or negatively?

I think in the long run it has been negative.
9. Do you have siblings? Biological or adopted?

adopted sister
10. If you have adopted siblings, was it beneficial to have someone you could relate to?

My sister was adopted as well but we havent spoken in years partially because of the way I was adopted.
11. Do you view adoption in a positive light?

I do because there are alot of good people that would be great parents and I would not be alive if that weren't true
12. Would you like to adopt? Why?

Yes I want to adopt, I want to give a child a chance and a great home
13. Any advice for adoptive parents whose children may be experiencing negative feelings about being adopted?

Just be honest with them about anything they have questions on
14. What would be your number one piece of advice for adoptive parents?
Don't hide anything
15. Anything else you would like to share? Anything prospective adoptive parents or those who have already adopted should know?

Don't talk negative to them about it and don't hold it over their head

11/20/09

My Crew

I live with my own little construction crew more like destruction, but whatever.  They've been working on my dining room table this afternoon.  My own little Handy Manny's.

I'm An Adoptee

I have several friends who are adopted.  Last night it occurred to me, I should ask them about adoption and get their point of view.  I wondered if they would be willing to share their story.  I sent an email to each of them with 15 questions and asked them if they would be willing to share their answers with my blog followers.  I have corresponded with each of them after starting Adoptive Momma of Two.  Each of them had positive comments and I am bumfuzzled as to why I had not thought of interviewing them earlier. 

They are all now adults, some with families of their own.  I had intended to do a single post with my questions and each of their answers.  After receiving the first response, I realized they deserve their own post.  I sent out four emails and I have no way of knowing if all will respond.  This may be the only response I receive.  If so, I believe it is full of valuable information for us to learn from.


Here is my story... I am [female] 29 years old and was adopted at 3 months old. My birthmother was a 15 year old catholic girl who got pregnant by her boyfriend that she had been with for a long time. Her parents were very upset with her, mostly her mother, and they sent her to a hospital on Oklahoma City to stay. This hospital takes in young girls, lets them live in the hospital and work there to pay for their stay and healthcare. When I was born I was placed in temporary foster care until the paperwork could be finalized for my adoptive parents. I was adopted by a family that had one natural born son that was 5 years older than me. They adopted because they had a little girl that died in childbirth and could not have anymore children. I was told about my adoption in third grade when I started asking questions about things that happened when I was born. It was a shock to me. It was never talked about again. I was very curious. I wanted to know more. I would see someone that looked like me and think they were my parents. I would go to town Christmas parades and not pay attention because I was looking for someone who resembled me. It wasn't until after I was married (22 years old) that my adoptive parents came forward and told me that they actually knew the names of my birthparents. I was thrilled and immediately started searching. I now have talked to my birthmother via email for the last seven years. I have never had contact with my birthfather but I do know who and where he is. My birthmother and I are close but only through email, letters, and pictures. We are both happy with that relationship.

As for some of the questions....

I have never talked badly about adoption at all. I have had a great experience. It was always a good excuse for me when I was a teenager and my parents were embarassing me..."Well, I am adopted". I am just kidding! I love that people adopt and I feel that it is a touchy thing to do but if it is done right, it can be an amazing thing!

I was always and I mean ALWAYS questioned about being adopted. I looked nothing like my parents so people were always curious. I was comfortable saying that I was adopted. When you are a teenager or young adult, you are always looking for something that makes you stick out from the rest...this is what made me unique. It is only frustrating when going to a Dr. and them asking you your family history. When you don't know...it is a very hard question to answer because you have to go into this whole conversation about adoption. I hate that. So if you are adopting, tell your child early that they are adopted. Be honest and try and get all the past family medical history that you can get and relay that to your child.

I searched for my birthparents out of curiousity. A child will always wants to know who they are, no matter how good of an adoptive parent you are. It is natural. It doesn't mean they want to replace you, they just want to know. My adoptive father was very supportive of me finding my birthparents because he wanted to thank them and let them know how much of joy they gave him in his life. My adoptive mother is still a little uneasy about the situation.

Having a brother who was not adopted made it hard to relate to my family at times. I sometimes felt like an outsider. Not because they made me feel that way but that feeling can't be helped when you know you are different. There was no resentment though. We got along great. Adoptive parents worry so much about how the child will feel. A child will never feel perfect...like nothing is different. But they still love them like a mother and father.

The feeling of being different is not a negative thing...it comes with the feeling of being special and handpicked.

I would love to adopt myself but I was apparently blessed with the genes of my birthmother and have three children of my own. However, when my life slows down and my children are older, I will consider adopting or fostering.

My advice to adoptive parents is...

Don't dwell on the thought that your child is adopted. It makes no difference where the child comes from, what matters is where that child is now and where it is going in life.

Tell your children early in life that they are adopted. Just don't give them all the details. You don't want them to be old enough that they pick up on something that you haven't told them. A child hears more than you think and if you haven't told them, then they will wonder and wondering is harder than reality. Don't tell them details in which they could track down the parents. I was so curious when I was a teenager that if I had any shread of knowing where my birthmother was that I would have left on foot to try and find her. NOW, don't get me wrong. It wasn't because I didn't love my parents and love my family. It was curiousity!!

Be honest.

Don't single them out in any way. Don't make it the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone. "Hello, this is Sam...he's adopted." This child is yours and no one elses, so take credit for them.

If you are unsure about adoption, I will give you my greatest piece of advice..........ADOPT!! And do it without hesitation. Children need families...great families ...and if you are considering adoption then you already have a great family.

11/19/09

Thankful Thursday

I am most thankful for these little guys!

Thankful Thursday

It is a week before Thanksgiving and I was sitting here thinking about what to write today.  I just finished reading the adoption blogs of my followers.  Believe it or not I do keep up with you, to the best of my ability.

Many of you are still waiting, some of you have been disappointed, some have already been blessed with children, and some of you are hoping to become parents in 2010.  While reviewing the good news along with the bad news I started to think about all I am thankful for.

A lot of the time we spend our efforts concentrating on what we do not have, especially when we are in the waiting period of adoption.  This time of year we spend time with family and friends, many of them are pregnant or already parents.  Again, we begin to think about what we may be missing out on.

In the spirit of this time of year, I  would suggest thinking of our blessings instead of what we are missing in our lives.  Remember to be thankful for what we already have...a job, a home, a loving spouse, and much more.

It can be a challenge to maintain a positive attitude when on the adoption journey.  Sometimes we may even have to work at it.  Let us get to work then.

11/18/09

Rogan

Rogan had his 15 month well baby check up today.  We were actually about a month and a half behind.  We have all been sick off and on and I wanted to make the little guy was 100% before getting his shots.  We had a slight concern because he is not walking yet.  He stands alone and will walk if he can hold onto your finger.  So, he is fully capable just not confident.  Dr. Exon said it sounds like he needs a motivational speaker to get started.  He was not concerned about him not walking.  He stated many kids do not walk until they are 18 months old.  So we may have another month or two of this crawling stuff.  He's so fast on his hands and knees I think he feels he can keep up with his big brother easier on all fours.

Other than that, he was perfect.  He is up to 25 lbs 6 oz and is 32 1/4 inches long.  The 65th and 75th percentiles.  He eats well and is less picky than his big brother.  He's a climber and we're pretty sure the Christmas tree is going to be an issue this year.  He weaned off of his bottle without a fuss and took right to a sippy.  Neither of my boys took to pacifiers so we didn't have to mess with those.  We're working on drinking from a cup without spilling too much and using utensils.  He is even brushing his own teeth.

Rogan is all smiles and personality.  Gotta love those dimples!

Post Adoption Depression Syndrome

PADS- Post Adoption Depression Syndrome

Post partum depression is widely known and acknowledged by the general community as part of the birthing process.  Adoptive parents can experience depression post placement.  However, PADS is less acknowledged and accepted.

It seems backward to experience depression after placement of the child you have longed for.  After working through infertility, the adoption process, waiting to be chosen, money concerns, it does not seem you would have anything else to worry about when your baby finally arrives.  It is reported that 65% of adoptive parents experience PADS.

PADS is something adoptive parents should be aware of and mindful of the symptoms which include:
Depression
Anxiety
Irritability
Lack of interest in normal activities
Significant loss of weight or weight gain
Insomnia
Feeling of worthlessness
Unable to concentrate
Suicidal thoughts
Unable to bond with your baby

If you feel you might be experiencing PADS you should consult your physician.  Remember, it is completely normal and very common.

Brian and I did not experience PADS, but we had some irritability, sleeplessness, and emotional outbursts.  Actually, I would say most of those symptoms were mine not his.  It is completely normal to suddenly feel overwhelmed and out of sorts.  I remember my new mother meltdown after Brice was born.  

Brice was about a month or two old and had been up most of the night.  It was around 1 p.m. and Brice was still fussing.  Brian came by the house because he had forgotten something for work.  I was bathing Brice in an attempt to relax him and hopefully get him to sleep.  I had not bathed, hadn't even been able to go the restroom that day.  I was fussy as well and wanted more than anything to get a shower.  Brian breezed through the front door, hollered out to us, picked up whatever he needed, and went skipping toward the door.  Not really skipping, but seemed like it.

My response, I began to cry and whine.  I complained about how gross I felt, how badly I needed to go to the restroom and to get a shower.  I accused Brian of being carefree and unthoughtful.  I was appalled he would not watch his child for five mere minutes so I could have a shower.  Of course, he was oblivious to my plight.  He would have watched the baby had I only asked.  He did, I showered, and the universe was aligned once again.  

My point in sharing that embarrassing tale is everyone has their moments.  It is part of becoming a new parent.  There is a difference between being frazzled and PADS.  You may not be able to recognize it.  Talk to your friends, family and neighbors.  If you ever feel too overwhelmed take your baby to a family member, sitter, or neighbor and regroup.  Also, do not be afraid to consult with your physician and seek help if you need it.

For additional information on PADS visit:
http://adoption.families.com/blog/post-adoption-depression
http://www.adopting.org/pads.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/post-adoption-depression-.html

11/17/09

The Zoo and a Little Christmas

Last Saturday, we drove to Oklahoma City to meet my parents at the zoo for the day.  It's kind of a meet in the middle, but not really because my parents have to drive farther than we do.  It was our first day of cooler weather, but still nice enough to enjoy ourselves and being outdoors.  We of course had a great time.

We were there about four hours and Brice went nonstop the whole time.  I took the Stand and Sit stroller so he could take a break and ride if he needed to.  He didn't.  His little legs went 90 to nothing the whole time.  He is so much fun.


I am really enjoying Brice at this age.  Of course, I've enjoyed every stage of my boy's lives, but he has become a lot of fun recently.  He loves Christmas lights and we have taken little trips during the day just to see Christmas decorations.  We have gone to Lowe's, Wal-Mart, the mall, and Hobby Lobby to look at the decorations.  He turns down the aisle and all you hear is him gasp, then he'll say something like "guys, guys look at this" or "oh wow".  You would think the holiday inflatable section at stores is Disneyland.  Oh how fun.

We know this phase of his is going to be short lived so we are thoroughly enjoying it.  There is a large church here in Tulsa which has a drive through light display.  We cannot wait to take Brice to it this year.  Brian is planning to decorate the outside of the house in a lot of lights this year.  He wants to make sure Brice gets all the twinkle lights his little heart desires.  I have a feeling we might be in for a Griswold Christmas.

Uh, Not This Momma

The oddest adoption moment I experienced was soon after the birth of our youngest son.  A nurse approached me in the NICU and asked me if I wished to schedule an appointment with the lactation consultant.  My immediate response was "No, we're adopting him."  She replied adoptive mothers who choose to breastfeed is not uncommon.  My response "Uh, not this momma."

To be honest, breastfeeding never crossed my mind.  Never even considered it.  I learned that day it was an option.  Even after learning it was an option, it still wasn't an option to me.  It seemed, I don't know, weird.

Why do I even bring this up?  To let you know it is an option.  If you decide this option is something you would like to explore there are resources. Here is a list of a few websites which may be helpful.

My babies were formula fed.  I bonded with my boys without issue.  Their immune systems are excellent.  My boys have never had ear infections, breathing treatments, or major illnesses.  I'm just saying...

11/16/09

It's Anna Day!

I've always loved my birthday and I'm kinda of obnoxious about it.  I can't help it, I don't know why.  My parents never made a huge deal of my birthday.  I am an only child, but my birthday was never celebrated anymore than anyone else's.  I just happen to love the idea that we each get our own day each year.  It makes my day a little more special to know I might be thought of a little more today.

I don't care about the presents, cake, or other material stuff that comes with having a birthday.  I don't want for anything.  I live a great life.  I do love the fact that my husband will be home a little earlier tonight to take the kids and me out to dinner.   Brian being home early is a special bonus of it being Anna day.  It's the little things that make my birthday special.


I do not stress about being another year older, by the way I'm 33 today.  I am just thankful to have made another trip around the sun.  I'm thankful for all the love I have in my life.  Here's to another great year ahead, I'm looking forward to it.  Happy Birthday me!

Anti-Adoption Movement

Have you heard about anti-adoption websites?  Have you viewed any of them?  I have spent no more than 5 minutes of my time looking into their websites.  I did a quick Google search and that was enough for me.  I didn't want to read any more.

I am thankful to be an American and for the freedoms we are provided.  Those freedoms also include the freedom of speech for all, even those we may not always agree with.  I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with their opinions and professions.  They are however entitled to express themselves just like I am.

I am truly saddened some people have a bad experience with adoption.   It is not right for birth mothers to feel forced into their decision and to suffer from their decision.  It is my opinion, and again my opinion means little except to me, that this is most often not the case.  I have met birth mothers and corresponded with birth mothers who did not regret their decision and did not live each day suffering with their decision to place their child with another family.

I certainly cannot speak for birth mothers, but I can speak of what I have been told.  I have listened to birth mothers discuss their experience and the pride they felt for the selfless decision they made.  They told stories of their personal struggles with their decision and how they came to decide to make an adoption plan.  They came to the adoption agency seeking help.  The agency counseled them and discussed their many options, including raising their child.  No one has told me of being pressured into their decision.  I am not so ignorant to believe that does not happen however.

I am certain some birth mothers are pressured and uncomfortable with their decision.  I also feel it was our responsibility to seek out an agency who would never pressure a birth parent.  It is also the responsibility of the agency or whomever you are working with to counsel the birth parents and provide the birth parents with many options and discuss each thoroughly.  If then, the birth parent choses to make an adoption plan, it was their decision and they are provided opportunities to change their mind.

I do believe adoption is necessary.  Not every person is prepared to parent or able to parent.  Options are needed.  As an adoptive parent, how else would I feel?  Without adoption we would not be a family, we would not have children to love.

11/13/09

National Adoption Awareness Month


November is National Adoption Awareness Month.  The best way to celebrate the month of November is to advocate adoption.  Share your adoption story and dispel stereotypes and misconceptions people have about adoption.  Discussing adoption openly and how it relates to you will educate others and help them to understand the process of adoption.

The Holidays

The holiday season is fast approaching.  The holiday season is when I spend the most time thinking back on my boys' adoptions and their birth families.  This time of year is spent with family and I cannot help but to think of the birth families.  Even though we spent a short amount of time with the birth families they became part of us.  They are part of our family.  It's hard to explain unless you've experienced it.  You develop a bond with the birth parents and come to feel very close to them.  They are our boys' family and thus become ours too.  I don't know if our boys will ever chose to seek out their biological parents but we'll be sure to tell them what we know and share with them the memories we have of their biological parents.  We will continue to send gifts to the adoption agency during this time of year, photos, and letters letting them know how the boys are doing.  Each year I have ornaments made with the boys photos on them.  I send the same ornaments to the adoption agency for the birth families.  As the boys age and help us decorate our tree, we tell them their birth families have these same ornaments and may be decorating their tree just like ours.  It creates a small connection for us and an opportunity to discuss their adoptions.  If not for adoption, our holidays would not be so blessed.

Catching Up!

My boys on Halloween.  Brice was a pterodactyl and Rogan was Nemo.



I've been completely lost without my computer but we've been busy and having lots of fun.  Here are a few pictures of everything we've done.


Played at the park and Brice started swimming lessons.

Rogan became too big for his high chair and he and his brother now sit at their own little table in our kitchen.

We went to the pumpkin patch.


Brian's parents came to visit and we went to the playground.


Played some trains.


Posed for too many pictures and went to the mall.

Built some stuff with dad.

Went to the aquarium and played in the new shark cage.


Had lots of fun and took too many pictures.  You're all caught up with us now.

11/12/09

What We've Been Up To

We've been busy and having lots of fun since my last blog post.  Here's what we've been doing...

Brice has started swimming lessons and he is having a blast.  He's improving and has become very comfortable in the water.  He is now swimming underwater with his eyes open.  His swimming class had safety week this week and wore their clothes into the pool.  They wanted the kids to know what it felt like to swim fully clothed in case they ever fell in.  They also taught them how to reach for someone if they fell in and to pull them out of the water.  The kids had a blast saving their teacher and pretending to fall in and be saved.  Brice did have a mishap before class.  He didn't understand he would be swimming in his clothes and tried to pull down his sweats on the pool deck, but his swim trunks came with them and he flashed the whole swimming pool.  He was completely unfazed and was headed for the water anyway.  Luckily, I caught him and managed to get him dressed.  It was hilarious.

We've gone to the aquarium and played in the new shark cage.


We visited the pumpkin patch.  Where the boys climbed on pumpkins, played with some animals and rode around in a wagon.



We went trick or treating.  Brice dressed as a pterodactyl and Rogan was Nemo.


We visited the Nature Center and hiked around a little bit.  We also had a picnic along the trail.  The most interesting display at the Nature Center is a working beehive.  The bees enter the hive via a little plexiglass tube which serves as their highway from outdoors to indoors.  Very neat.  Brice was in awe.



We played trains and with Brice's  tools.


Rogan outgrew his highchair and now the boys eat together at their own little table.  It's pretty darn adorable.

Brian's parents came down and we all went to the playground.

We've been real busy and I think you're now caught up with us.

I'm Back Online!

I am back online as of about 5 minutes ago.  I will have a new blog post tomorrow.  I am busy setting up my new laptop and downloading photos.  Stay tuned...

11/10/09

November

November is Adoption Awareness month and me without my computer to blog all about it. I am however reading all your emails and I believe I have responded to each of you. If not, resend your email and I will respond.

Email me if you are doing anything special to celebrate adoption this month I'd love to hear all about it.