3/31/10

Adoption Fears Part II

A common fear for prospective adoptive parents who have biological children is will they love their adopted child(ren) as much as their biological child(ren).  Obviously, I am not qualified to speak on this issue having no biological children but I came across an email today I felt explained it well.  I asked Kiara for permission to post her email and she agreed.  Her email was in response to a parent looking into adoption who was fearful they may not love their adopted child as much as their biological child.  Here is what Kiara had to say:

Hi N,
I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to ask that question.  Many parents who are considering growing their family through birth and adoption worry a little about whether they will love their children the same.  It's an important question to ask, and one that my husband and I are asked about fairly regularly.  We have 3 children, plus one on the way.  Our son by birth is 7, daughter by adoption is 5, and son by adoption is 3, and I'm pg with our 4th, another daughter. 
I worried at least a little about this, myself.  (But not enough to avoid adoption -- I couldn't wait to adopt. :)  My husband and I speak at our adoption agency about our experiences with open adoption, transracial adoption, etc. during their required education classes.  The way I explain that part of our journey to people is that the end result -- the deep, intimate, protective love for our child -- is the same for each child.  But the journey there is a little different.  For instance, when a Mama is pregnant, that love usually grows, slowly but deeply, during the pregnancy.  And when you meet your child, it's kind of like that love is solidified and then continues to grow in a new way as your child grows and you get to know him or her. 
In adoption, you look forward to, care about, wait for, and plan for this child, but until he or she is in your arms, the experience is not real enough for that incredibly deep (I would kill a bear, would lift a car, would die for this child) protective love to start growing.  For some it may happen pretty quickly after baby is in their arms, and for others it takes time, and that is perfectly okay.  We had fairly last-minute matches, and although I instantly cared very deeply for each of our children from the time they were in my arms, I found that the deeper, settled-in love grew over time. 
For instance, I remember a distinct moment with my daughter when she was a couple months old and I realized I *really* felt like I was her mom.  (I didn't feel like I wasn't her mom before this, but this showed me that feeling must have still been growing.)  We were at a big park, and my toddler son was playing in a splash pad.  My sister was with us, and she offered to push baby around in the stroller to help her go to sleep.  I said sure, and she said she'd be back in 15 or so.  Well, 20 - 25 minutes went by and I realized she wasn't back.  In my heart, I started to panic!  I realized I would be devastated w/o my baby, and was worried something had happened to them.  (A couple minutes later, she was back in sight – my sister had just gone further than she meant to.)  I remember that at that moment it struck me how fiercely protective I felt, and that I was ready to run all over that park to find them!  My love for my daughter had grown deeper, w/o me even realizing it. :)
I think the main thing is that in adoption it's important to realize that the actual bonding journey is different than with a child you gave birth to, and that's normal and doesn't reflect your long-term love and commitment to your child.  You will probably not feel the same toward your adopted child at 2 days old as you did toward your bio child at 2 days old.  But as time goes on, your love grows in leaps and bounds.  Before long you will probably feel very little difference.
In fact, for at least the first half of this pregnancy, I worried I wouldn't love this little girl as much as my other kiddos.  I *adore* my kiddos, and it drives me crazy that people think our family will be more complete now that we're expecting again.  Some have outright assumed I will love this child more, and more easily, but in reality I was worried -- just like I was with each of my kiddos before the next one joined our family -- that I wouldn't love her as much as the children already in our home.  I think it is a very normal Mama fear.  I have also worried about whether she'll be cute or not, will fit in, etc. LOL   Now that I'm nearing the end of the pregnancy, I don’t worry about that at all, and I cannot wait for her to arrive! 
That’s not to say that some things won’t be a little different about raising both biological and adopted children, but it's not a love thing.  For instance, when my oldest son behaves a certain way, I can sometimes look at his behavior and say, "Ugh -- I know about that.  He is acting just like I did – or my little brother did – at that stage", or "I remember having a passion for that exact same thing!"  But with my daughter, who is very strong-willed, feisty, verbal, etc. (and I know her birthmom well enough to know she gets ALL of that from her, LOL) I don't feel that same familiarity with her behaviors.  She has an outgoing confidence that I, my husband, and our bio son did not have at 3 - 5 yrs. old.  (We were all shy.)  And I love it!  We adore that about her, and it is now a great part of our family make-up, but it does not feel like a familiar family trait.  I hope that makes sense.  It's something that I've heard a few moms of bio and adopted kiddos talk about, so I thought I'd throw it out there also. :) 
Okay, enough of my rambling.  Please feel free to keep asking questions!  And I'd love to hear from other moms about this, too.  I’m curious whether others' experiences match my own.
Kiara

The Great Outdoors

"Nature all around us boys.  Take it in.  Take it all in." One of my many favorite quotes from The Great Outdoors and I can quote 99.9% of the movie.  Ask anyone who has had the pleasure of watching it with me.  We love the great outdoors and have spent most of the last two days taking it all in.  Today I took the boys to the Oxley Nature Center.  We saw all kinds of neat things like animal skulls, snake skins, deer antlers, we fed the fish and turtles then we walked the trail around the pond. We were not quite ready to come home so we loaded up in the car and headed to the lake.  We threw some rocks in the water and found a few minnows.  After naps and snacks, we walked around our neighborhood, blew bubbles in the front yard and opened Easter cards from Grandma and Grandpa Mitchell.  It was an eventful day.

Wordless Wednesday

3/30/10

Adoption Fears

When you decide to adopt it is a decision that is not entered into lightly. Adoptive parents sort through many questions and concerns.  Having concerns and fears about the adoption process, pending parenthood, and your future child is common.  We had fears and concerns such as:

1.  Will we ever be chosen?  During the waiting period you feel like you will never be chosen.  You may go over your adoption profile in your head again and again thinking about what you could have and should have done differently.
2.  How are we going to afford this?  Adoption is costly and financial stress is a part of the process.  You live frugally, cut expenses, or take out a loan to be able to afford adoption.
3.  Will I bond immediately with my child?  Turns out we did, but that is not always the case.  When handed your baby you may not instantly feel a connection.  It is normal if that occurs.  I have even heard of mothers who have biological children not feel an instant connection.  Older children may not take to you initially.  Older children already have personality traits, behaviors, and their own opinions you will have to take time to get to know each other.
4.  Will I be a good parent?  Like a fish out of water, that is what I felt like at first.  I babysat and had been around babies and children but parenthood is different.  As we left the hospital, Brian and I looked at each other and said, I cannot believe they let us leave with him.  Are we responsible enough to handle this?  It is a strange anxious feeling suddenly being responsible for another life.

As time goes on your fears and concerns become manageable, you are chosen to parent, you become a good parent, you love your child, finances work themselves out, it all comes together.  You learn the ropes and by the time the second child comes you have assembled a brand new set of fears and concerns to conquer.

Adoption.com

The latest news and headlines regarding adoption.  I like this site and I visit it often.  I hope you find it helpful too.

3/29/10

Hmmm...I Wonder

Did his birth father have dimples?  His birth mother did not.  Where does he get those long eyelashes?  Does his biological sibling wonder where he is?  Will they ever meet?

I wonder these things sometimes.  As an adoptive parent you know they did not get their physical traits from you.  Their sense of humor and temperament is that inherited or environmental?  I am leaning toward environmental on the sense of humor.  Brice's sense of humor is a lot like ours, we are not sure that is a good thing.

I think it is normal to wonder.  My boys will probably wonder too. Someday they are going to want to know who they look like and if they take after anyone in their biological families.  We have some background information from questionnaires their birth parents completed.  The questionnaires ask questions such as what are their hobbies, favorite foods, likes and dislikes.  The boys will probably be interested in reviewing this information at some point, when they begin to get curious.  We are fortunate to have any information to give them, many adoptive families do not.  Our agency provided these questionnaires, we are glad they did we never would have thought to ask.  If your adoption is not open you may want to attempt to get some background and social information, your child will probably appreciate it someday.

Zoo Day

Today was zoo day.

Safety First!

Safety first, that's Rogan's motto.  He found a pair of Brice's toy safety goggles and wore them all over the house the other night.  Hilarious.

Adoption Book Giveaway!

Kelsey Stewart is a birth mother and she has written a children's book from the birth mother's perspective.  Her book, The Best For You is written for adoptive children and explains why one mother chose to make an adoption plan.  The book is excellent for adoptive parents and their children.  Kelsey was kind enough to provide me an autographed copy for my boys.  She was also wonderful enough to donate a copy  to be given away to one lucky winner!  You have multiple opportunities to enter to win:

1.  Visit Kelsey's blog The Birth Mother Voice.  Come back and leave me a comment and let me know you visited her site.
2.  Comment on this post telling me why you would like to win.
3.  Become a fan of Adoptive Momma of Two on Facebook.  Come back here and comment letting me know you are now a fan.  If you are already a fan, leave me a comment on this post telling me so.
4.  Join my Blog Frog community.  Blog Frog is an excellent forum and resource.  Ask questions and you will definitely get answers.  Curious about what others think?  Start a discussion and see who responds.  I belong to several Blog Frog communities and have learned a lot and made some great blogging buds.  Come back here leave me a comment telling me you joined or are already a member.  If you start a discussion or participate in a discussion I will give you an extra entry for a chance to win!

Good luck, I will chose a winner using random.org on Friday, April 2nd.  Deadline to get your entries in will be noon CST that day.  Thanks for entering!

3/28/10

What? I Won Again!

Last week was my lucky week.  While I was on vacation I received an email from Robin at Lolidots that I had won a cake pan given away on her blog!  What?!  I never win anything and last week alone I won a bag and a really cool cake pan.

Robin is a blogging buddy of mine and she has a fun blog and gives away all kinds of cool stuff.  Check it out..Lolidots

Florida Trip

We had an excellent trip.
We stayed here...
We went to the beach...
We went to baseball games...
We went on an airboat ride through the Everglades...
We had a great trip but we sure missed our boys.