DEAR ABBY: I would like to say something to my mother, but the truth is I don't know who my biological mother is. I was adopted when I was a baby. I have looked for her online over the years, but have yet to find her. I have asked myself many times what I'd say to her if I met her. Because I know it may never happen, I'm asking you to print my message:
"Mama, I don't know the circumstances of my birth, and I don't really care. All I know is that two loving parents adopted me and helped to shape me into the person I am. Today I am a successful professional with a loving spouse and wonderful children, to whom I try to give the best. I imagine that is what you wanted to do for me. Therefore, I have decided that I don't really need to find you and say, 'Thank you. You made a good choice. I am doing fine and I love you.'" -- HER THANKFUL SON
DEAR THANKFUL SON: I hope one day your birth mother will be fortunate enough to meet you and you can say those words to her in person. One of the most difficult decisions a mother can make, but one of the most loving, is to place a child for adoption when she is unable to provide a stable upbringing for her baby. Most birth mothers long for a reunion. And for them, as well as for you, I am printing your letter.
In Response...
DEAR ABBY: As a birth mother, I must respond to the letter from "Her Thankful Son" (Dec. 12). Nearly 26 years ago, I gave up my own son for adoption. It was the most devastatingly painful thing I have ever had to do. But I loved him enough to let him go because I was in no position to raise him myself. To the young man who wrote you, I say: "Thank you" -- from me and all the birth mothers who carry holes in our hearts from having to let our children go on to better lives without us. My greatest fear was always that my son would end up hating me and not understand why I let him go. This man's letter has given me hope. -- WENDY IN DELAWARE
DEAR WENDY: "Her Thankful Son" wrote an open letter to his unknown biological mom, expressing gratitude for the life his adoptive parents have provided. As it did with you, his letter resonated with many of my readers whose lives have been touched by adoption. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Thankful Son," I felt a sense of relief. I had a son when I was 16 and placed him for adoption because I knew I couldn't give him the life he deserved. I was determined that his adoption would not be in vain and that I would become a better person because of it. I consider myself to be a better mom now because of him.
My girls know they have a brother out there, but I have explained it's not for me to seek him. If he wants to find me I would be thrilled, but I realize I gave up my right to him when I made my decision. I have no regrets. I think of him often and wonder if he's OK. Reading "Thankful's" letter comforted me. If it is God's will, I will meet my son one day. I feel he will be proud of me for making something of myself and giving him the opportunity for a successful life. -- BRENDA IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: I am also an adopted child. From the time I was told at age 7, I wondered who my birth mother was and went through phases of anger and depression. I was blinded by my own ego and did not consider anything about her life.When I was in my teens, a friend of mine became pregnant and was scared about what she was going to do. I lost touch with her shortly after and don't know what happened. I have since realized that my friend's situation could have also been my birth mother's. It changed my attitude, and I decided I'd like to meet her one day and tell her I care about her.
Several years later I got that opportunity, with help from my adoptive mom and a state agency. Meeting my birth mom and three younger brothers and sister was a very emotional moment for me, and I cherish it to this day. -- JAY IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: You said you hoped "Thankful Son" could meet his birth mother. Why? As an adoptive mom of adult children, I feel just as happy not having the birth parents intervene in our lives.
Could I handle it? Of course. If my children had a burning desire to find their birth parents, would it be OK? Absolutely. Am I curious, too? Certainly. But I don't think you should encourage a search. After all, these people are virtual strangers. They have different values and expectations, which all too often can lead to disappointment. At the very least, it's a weird experience. I think what adopted children really want to know is why they were given up and if they were loved. The answer to that last question, from this mom, is a resounding yes! -- THE "REAL" MOM IN MIAMI
Source: http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20101212
3 comments:
What a great conversation! Up until the adoptive mom wrote in. :( I wish it didn't have to end on that note.... Maybe they could have posted from a couple adoptive parents who have seen the blessings in those reunions!
There are a lot of adult adoptees and birth parent bloggers who long for reunions, so this one adoptee's experience is just that - one experience. I know we adoptive parents can affect our children's views about reunion by our attitudes toward it, so I think we have to be careful. I never want my sons not to search because they're afraid of hurting my feelings. And as for birth parents being "strangers" - well, yes and no. Are they acquaintances? No. But they ARE our kids' natural families. So meeting them is no weirder for my kids, in my opinion, than meeting some distant cousin at a family reunion would be for me. They're family. Known or not. And that is something important. I agree that it doesn't trump the adoptive family. Our adopted kids simply have TWO when many of us just have one.
I am an adult adoptee (as is my husband). My adoption was closed (as was my husbands). I searched for my birth mother (my husband did not). I found her (thought a PI) although she did not want to be found and therefore contact was never made. That was enough for me. I understood that it was a different time for her generation of women placing children for adoption and that she could likely not bring herself to open a long closed chapter of her life's book.
One thing I can say is that I have never thought of her (or my birth father who I had even greater interest in finding, but without my birth mother, could not) as family. Even when I was trying to find her and working my way through the process , I didn't view her (or even long for her to be) as family.
I have had such a blessed life and even if I had had the opportunity to meet her, I am not sure there is an accurate word to represent the relationship I would have felt we had to each other. But family just doesn't come to mind. I can easily see her my courageous, selfless, brave birth mother yet that is not the same to me as family.
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