I just wrote a letter to Brice's birth parents. I generally write these letters a few times a year. I like to send letters around their birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day. I keep it pretty simple. The letter is generally a page long and serves as a quick update.
The update letters we write are never too deep, too personal, or too thought provoking. They are an update on how we are doing and what is going on in our life. I like to write a quick line about the boys' current interests and favorite toys. If Brice has recently colored or painted a picture, I might include one in the package. If they have recently reached a developmental milestone I will write something about it.
I always enclose a handful of recent photos, usually 5-10. I enclose pictures of the boys by themselves, one or two of them together, and if we have a current one of all four of us I will include it too. I like to make sure I include a full length photo so their birth parent(s) can see how much they have grown and changed.
Since, this letter corresponded with Brice's recent birthday, I enclosed items from his birthday party. A plate, napkin, invitation, party favors, etc. I want his birth parents to get an idea of how his party was decorated and what the theme was this year. I have even enclosed a candle from their cake.
I order ornaments to be sent with our holiday letter each year. I order matching ornaments for our tree and the birth parents' trees. I like to have an ornament with the boys' pictures each year and I believe the birth families might want one too. It creates a common thread between us. When the boys are older and are decorating our tree they will know their birth parent(s) have the same ornaments for their tree too.
I believe the update letters are important in letting the birth parent(s) know they are being thought of and have not been forgotten. The letters show the child is doing well and living the life they had hoped they would be living. When the birth parent made an adoption plan, they most likely did so because they wanted their child to have a life they could not offer them. I believe the update letters show their wish is being fulfilled.
Do you regularly write letters to your child's birth parent? If so, do you include anything special? Share your thoughts and ideas for others, especially those who read this and are preparing to adopt.
Anna
9 comments:
Hey Girly! What a great blog! We do not share letters with out daughters BM. She requested a closed adoption as soon as she contacted us about Mist. It hink it is great that you write letters and such great ideas with what you add:)
Thanks for the ideas! I'm sure I will use some of them in the future when/if we ever get a placement.
Thank you for such cool ideas about what kinds of things you are sending to your kids birthmom. As our baby girls first birthday approaches...I love the idea about sending some of the decorative things you had at the party! I plan on doing that now...
Thank yoU!
can i ask why you purposefully write letters that 'are never too deep, too personal, or too thought provoking.'
just curious.
as a birthmother THOSE are EXACTLY the things i would like to know, not the mundane 'how we are doing and what is going on in our life', current interests, toys, etc.
i want to know what it's like for 'you' to be mother to this child, what it feels like to rock him/her in your arms, what it feels like to kiss them on the head as you tuck them into bed, what goes thru your mind when you watch them accomplish something on their own, what personality traits do you love most about him/her, the lil things he/she says and does that melt your heart, etc. To me, thats what an update is, that's what i'd like to know!
and what a priceless gift for you to give to the birthmother - sharing how much you truly love and are loved by this child.
many many kudos to you for writing at all, as most won't/don't!
Thanks for your insight! First, let me say I don't do outlines or major planning for these posts I just sit and write them straight from my head and heart to the blog.
To try and answer your questions. I guess I wanted to get the point across to adoptive parents that these letters are important to the birth parents and you shouldn't feel overwhelmed by the idea of writing them. I was trying to differientiate these updates from the birth parent letters we write for our profiles. For me, the birth parent letters we wrote for the profiles were difficult to write. How to put into words my feelings and emotions towards a person who is going to decide to let me and my husband be the parents to their child?
Also, I do write about specific personality traits and accomplishments, but I keep the letters about the kids, not about Brian and I or our feelings and emotions. I guess I never even thought about writing about Brian and I. I might feel as though I were "rubbing it in" if I wrote about rocking them to sleep, kissing them goodnight, etc. Although, I see your point.
We have never had any feedback on our letters, because we have never received a response from a birth parent. Even though we've never received a response in return we continue to send them because our adoption agency told us someday our birth parents will probably change their minds and want to read them and be thankful for them. Until that time, the agency keeps everything I send and lets them know it is there when and if they want it.
I hope I answered your questions. If I didn't or if I have caused you to have more questions please send me an email at adoptivemomma2@yahoo.com. I'd be more than happy to correspond with you.
Thanks again for your comment. The next letter I write might be a little more detailed and different from those previous.
We write letters and I include all the same things you do. I was recently reading on a birthmother website and it talked about how the birthmother was giving us as a gift to her child. Not giving us the gift of a child (although it is true too). For future letters I want to write things that we have been able to give our daughter that her birthmom may not have been able to give her. Whether that is a trip or a college fund or whatever. I know our birthmother loves her and could change her diapers, give her kisses, etc. I want to show our birthmother the gift she gave. Now I haven't done this yet but I am excited to do so!! I love your blog!!
hi anna! thanks for your response. I think its remarkable that you write, especially without a birthparent response, so from birthmothers everywhere, THANKYOU!! what a wonderful example you are to other adoptive parents!
i just wanted to say that for me personally, just me, in my sole opinion, hearing about the thoughts and feelings of the parents would most definitely NOT feel like they were rubbing anything in... i find so much of my joy in their joy, in fact my joy IS their joy, when pregnant my excitement was for their excitement, my wonderment at the birth was from their wonderment... i absolutely would love to know what it FEELS like to be the mother/father of this precious baby, cuz that is something i can never know first hand but i would absolutely delight in having some of those emotions shared with me, it makes you the 'real' parents, i feel like i can always google age appropriate developments and preferences or talk to friends who have children around the same age, its easy to figure out what the child is doing at life stages, but that true joy, that awe of being a parent to THIS baby ... only 'you' can fill in that gap for me, and what a gift i would feel i had been given, to know a just little bit of those sacred emotions, as a birthmom thats what i wonder about, what does it really feel like to be his mother?
i feel like im repeating myself, but hey its late and im tired! lol adoption luvs
I have been looking all over the internet for some advice about writing a letter I have to write a letter once a year to my daughters birth mother just letting her know how she's doing and fortunately this woman is in prison and doesn't seem to be changing her ways anytime soon she is a really bad drug problem and a very very long life of crime I do not want to put anything in there is that could potentially harm my daughter in the future I don't know what to put in the letters can you please help
Hi I have been looking everywhere for anything that could help me write a letter to my daughter's birth mother I have to write a letter to her once a year for the next seven years however this person is a very bad drug addict and have not had the best choices and has been even kidnapped because of her drug problem and has a very about a 12 year crime streek, I don't know what to put in the letter I don't want to put anything too personal because I don't want her to be able to use anything to harm my daughter please help
Post a Comment