First, we did not fully understand adoption when we began the process. We did not know the ins and outs of how open adoption works and how common it is. When we began the adoption process we were afraid. We were afraid we would never be chosen to parent and we were afraid our baby could be taken away years after adopting. We feared a birth parent showing up on our front doorstep demanding their child be returned. The media does a good job of showing us the extremes in adoption. Although the cases they show and publicize are not the norm.
Second, the birth mothers who reviewed our profiles did not want an open adoption. The birth mothers who chose us to parent their children chose a closed adoption. Although our adoptions are considered closed, we did meet their birth parents and some extended family members. We spent time together in the hospital and before the births of our sons. After placement, we continue to send letters, photos and updates 3 to 4 times a year. We are under no obligation to do so, but we assume the birth families appreciate the updates.
Finally, at this point we would not consider an open adoption because our previous adoptions were closed. We feel it would be confusing for the boys if their sibling's adoption were open and their's are not. It would be difficult to explain why their sibling saw their birth family from time to time and they do not. We believe it would only add confusion and heartache.
If we were to start from scratch today, knowing what we know now would we choose an open adoption? I still do not know. I know many have open adoptions and relationships with the birth parent(s) with much success. I can see both sides of the equation. I understand where an open adoption can help a child process feelings of loss and to understand the reasons for their placement. I also understand it could be very confusing, having a birth parent come in and out of a child's life a few times a year. I think if we were beginning today, we would have to discuss the situation and evaluate what was best for our child and our family.
I am not against open adoption, I believe it can and does work. I am however a realist and know not all open adoptions play out as seen on television, all birth parents are not Tyler and Catelynn from Teen Mom on MTV. Above all else, each situation is different and how the child is to be affected should be the ruling factor.
4 comments:
We are asked that question as well, ALL THE TIME. Also, why we chose international instead of domestic. Our answer, like yours, is specific to us, to the journey we'd taken up to that point, what we knew or thought we knew, and the circumstances that came to us. I appreciate your perspective! Robin
I sorta compare it religion, it's a personal choice.
open adoption is not for everyone. one thing i would do differently with my semi-open adoption, is i would be more open about what I wanted out of it, I think because I knew the family and we were friends before I got pregnant I just assumed they'd do things differently, but I feel like my adoption is more closed than semi-open, and it hurts. your birth moms get more of an update than I do, and yours are closed. I know I couldn't handle seeing my son, and I wouldn't want to confuse him, like you said, but if I knew that they were going to shut doors instead of keep them some what open I would have tried to express what I wanted out of it more. but all in all, when I look past that, I know that my decision was the best for my son, and for me.
I think your reasons for not choosing open adoption make PERFECT sense, and honestly - even Caitlynn and Tyler are shown having some turmoil over their decision. They've said a few times that they actually wanted more contact, or to know where the family lives (they've never been told that information, and if you'll notice - all their visits are away from the adoptive families home). I could totally see how that line could be blurred and how too much openness could be a bad thing. But I think you're right about the fact that every situation is different. I am sure there are different details to every adoption story that make it unique and better suited for certain scenarios.
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