Uh Cliffhanger!

As I have previously said I watch NBC's Parenthood faithfully.  I never miss an episode and I have anxiously watched the adoption storyline unfold for Julia and her family this season.

If you watch the show you know last night the birth mother Zoe gave birth and was last seen holding the baby in the nursery as Julia stalked off and broke down.

I hated the way the writers handled Julia's reaction.  It was so stereotypical.  Oh, birth mom changed her mind and the adoptive mother is angry and hurt.

We have been in that situation four times and each time it was handled differently.

With our first adoption we did not have contact with his birth mother and she did not see him until after she was released from the hospital and we had a commitment ceremony together at the agency.  The birth father was in and out of the nursery the entire time and interacted with us and our son.

With the second, I was in the delivery room and we were in his birth mother's room throughout her hospital stay.  She did not see him until the day she was discharged.  She asked me to go with her to see him.  She spoke to him but never held him in her arms.

Our failed placement, we were kept in a small nursing room on the maternity floor until midnight while the parents were with the baby.  A nurse brought the baby to us after her mother was discharged and we spent time with her in the room alone.  Afterward the baby was sent to stay with one of the agency's foster parents until the parents made their decision to not place.

Finally, our last adoption was all together different from any of the rest. We spent time with the baby and birth mother in her hospital room.  The birth parents spent a lot of time with the baby alone in their room and requested the baby either be with us or them at all times.  The birth mother wanted her to be with someone who loved her and not with "strangers" (the nurses) unless absolutely necessary.  The birth mother slept with the baby in her room and then requested a private room be set up for me and asked me to spend the last night in the hospital with the baby alone.

Although seeing the birth mother holding the baby is nerve wracking and you cannot help but be nervous, scared, and worried she may change her mind that is part of the process.  Our agency social workers have always said their focus is on the baby and the birth mother until the TPR (termination of parental rights) is signed.  Focus will not be on us (the adoptive parents) until the baby becomes ours.

Our agency social workers have also said letting a birth parent say goodbye is an important part of their healing.

The child does not become ours until the birth parent(s) sign the TPR.  The baby is their child and they have every right to spend as much time saying goodbye and bonding with them as they want and/or need.  I try to always remember they get a day or two...we get the next 18 years.

I wish the show would have scripted Julia to smile and show support of Zoe meeting her son and saying her goodbyes.  I wish they would not have scripted Julia to be so upset and to storm away hurt and angry.  In my opinion it was such a stereotypical portrayal of what many people believe adoption is:

1.  Birth mom has the baby
2.  Baby is ripped from her arms and turned over to the adoptive parents
3.  Birth mother is kicked to the curb.

The adoption process is very delicate, difficult, and emotional.  The process cannot be understood unless experienced firsthand.  We were never angry at our children's birth parent(s) for holding and loving on their child.  I cannot speak for my husband but I am thankful I am able to tell my children your parents loved on you all they could and it broke their hearts to tell you goodbye.  We spent time with your birth parents and interacted with them.  We know they loved you.

I would not want our stories to have been, she had you, we took you, we have never looked back.

Next week on the season finale, we will find out if Zoe really did change her mind or if Julia and Joel get the son they have longed for.  It is my belief the little boy will be adopted and the rest has been for dramatic affect.  We will have to wait and see.

**Note:  To each is own and the above post is purely based on my opinion and experiences.  I do not profess to be the knower of all things adoption and I understand each situation is different and I do not claim to have walked in anyone's shoes.  This is my disclaimer before I start receiving the hate mail about how we ruined our children and their birth parents.  Those emails always appear in my inbox after a post like this.