People have a lot of nerve. They will ask anything. Be prepared for it. After a while, not a lot will surprise you.
Our boys are biracial. They are Hispanic and Caucasian. Our oldest son is light haired and fair complected. Oddly enough, he looks a lot like my husband. The only comment he drew as an infant was, "that's a big boy". He had a pretty big appetite and was very chunky. He actually resembled the Michelin Man a little. As soon as he became mobile all that baby fat melted right off. Now he's a streamlined three year old built for speed!
Our youngest son is dark complected. His little legs get really dark in the summer time. We think his olive skin is gorgeous and never gave it a second thought. He also has dark brown hair, dark eyes, and resembles his Hispanic origins more than his older brother. So, I guess some people notice he is a little more pigmented than the rest of us. What's the big deal?
We had one comment about him specifically that caught us off guard. We had a Hispanic woman say to us, "Wow, he's brown." We didn't really know what to say to that one, so we just responded with "he sure is." Usually, people will say things to me at the grocery store. Most of the time it's women. The usual comment goes something like this, "Oh, he's so cute. Is his daddy dark complected?" I usually just say "nope" and walk away to let them wonder. Our general rule in response is to agree with whatever the person has said, unless they were to say something offensive or hurtful. A common response for us regarding his complexion is "Yes, we're all jealous of his olive skin".
People often speak before thinking. At one of the adoption seminars we attended a Caucasian couple had adopted an African American boy and they were in process of adopting again. Their son had said to them, "Can we have another brown baby just like me?" I thought that was really funny. The couple stated they couldn't go anywhere without people commenting. Most of the time they said it was a stupid question like, "Are they adopted?" Duh people. Really?
The most hurtful comment we ever received was made to my husband. We were at a get together in our neighborhood and everyone was congratulating us and discussing how we had adopted again the month before. An acquaintance said to Brian, "I could never adopt." He then proceeded to stumble over his next few words, back peddling, trying to dig himself out of the hole he had created. My husband let him off the hook by walking away. I guess we took that one a little personal. We discussed it after we left the get together and we were both angered by it. After a little more thought and discussion we decided it was okay. It wasn't okay that he said it to Brian, in fact is was quite rude. It was okay he felt that way. Not everyone should adopt and he was apparently one of the people who shouldn't. God gave him that belief for a reason, maybe it was so there would be more babies available for us! I do not know. It did however make me feel a little better to think he later thought to himself, insert foot into mouth.
My advice to anyone adopting a biracial child or a child of a different race than yourself would be to have a standard response at the ready. You do not want to be hateful. You want the person to walk way thinking to themselves, why did I just ask them that? Maybe they won't do it again.
2 comments:
Hi there, I stumbled upon your blog from your link on the my charming kids community. I just wanted to let you know not to feel too badly about the ignorant people out there, they ask dumb questions even when your kids came from your own body. Like once I was asked by a young man, "How do your children have blonde hair when you and your husband don't?" Now I have dishwater blonde hair or whatever you call it and my husband's is light brown and was blonde as a child. Is it really impossible for both my kids to have blonde hair?
Or how about this one. I have a 1/2 hispanic, 1/2 caucasian friend who has a little girl my son's age. It's summer, so she's been outside in the sun a lot and her skin is dark. Now this friend is a little older and does not go outside much so her skin is not as dark as it once was. She was asked by someone when she had adopted her daughter. She was completely taken aback by the question. "Excuse me?" she asked for lack of a better answer. "When did you adopt you daughter because I know she can't be yours, your skin is too light (sorry I forgot to mention she's married to a white guy). How did that make her feel? Just as angry as you got about the other comment.
People can be ignorant, excuse them as ignorant people who can't help themselves and just move on cuz there's no point in getting worked up over other people's issues.
Oh and by the way I believe how you decided to handle the situation is great.
I get so many comments about my little guy and I. It really is amazing what people will say. I too have a list of standard responses that I use to respond. Though sometimes I would just love to say... "Seriously, do you think before you speak?" But I would never! Love your blog by the way.
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