Our first adoption is kind of a blur. We were swept up in a whirlwind and it seems everything happened so fast. I am thankful I kept a short journal of it all or we probably wouldn't be able to tell Brice about it when he gets older.
The one day we remember very vividly is the day we took him home. We had a small ceremony at the agency which included the birth family. At the conclusion of the ceremony there were a lot of tears, hugs and thank yous. I remember holding our son while hugging his birth family members. Brice's birth mother was obviously distraught and until that morning, she had not laid eyes on him. She had chosen not to see him at the hospital. His birth father had seen him through the nursery window and in the delivery room, but had not been close enough to touch him. It was heart wrenching as they told him goodbye. I held him in my arms, with Brian next to me as they did so. Brice's maternal birth grandfather was there and I think he crushed our hearts the most. You could see the pain is his eyes as he said goodbye to his biological grandson. Brian said to me, you can see he knows he will probably never see this boy again. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I guess I still have some guilt even today.
Our second adoption was easier. I do not know if it was because we had already gone through it once before or if it was because Rogan had to stay in the hospital for 13 days and we were the only ones with him during that time. His birth mother was checked out of the hospital two days after his birth. She asked Brian and I if she could come say good bye to him. Of course, Brian and I were very nervous about her wanting to see him and we obviously started to think, oh no she's changing her mind. The social worker told us not to worry it was a good sign, it was closure for her. We still worried of course until the relinquishment paperwork was signed. Our little ceremony this time took place in the hospital cafeteria and his birth mother was not present.
Rogan was born early and his arrival was kind of chaotic. Brian had to return to work during Rogan's stay in the hospital. I stayed with our parents during that time and always had someone with me to help take care of Brice while I went to the hospital. When Rogan was released he was released to us, but since our home is about 4 hours away Brian was not with me. My mother was with me and it was kind of neat for her to experience bringing her grandson home from the hospital. I didn't have as much guilt this time, but I said to my mom; doesn't it feel weird to just walk out of the hospital with him? She agreed.
I am certain we are not the only ones to feel guilty or to have felt we did something wrong. I think it is probably common. I do not spend my days thinking of our sons' birth families but I do think about them. Especially, this time of year when Brice is getting ready to celebrate his birthday and Rogan celebrated his a couple of months ago. This is the time of year I send update letters to the agency for the birth families.
I do not know if I will always have a little guilt but I do know I will always be grateful; grateful for the chance to have my boys.
"Today I kissed an angel
I knew it from the start
the first time my angel smiled at me
I gave away my heart
today I kissed an angel
this angel child of mine
though not of my creation
my child by God's design
today I kissed an angel
my heart is dancing wild
a family, by a miracle
blessed by this angel child"
Author: Unknown
6 comments:
I was always curious about what happened after a baby was born and then taken home from the hospital. It seems a bit overwhelming. I can't imagine being the parents giving their child up. I'm so happy you were blessed with your sons:)
Also, you might want to check out my latest blog, I mentioned your blog!
I do know how you feel. I still can't believe that we actually have our little people and that someone had to go through so much pain to give us a family. Our third child was born on a Thursday and we didn't find out about her until Sat. when she was being released. We rushed to the hospital to meet her birthparents and bring her home. That was when we felt like we were stealing a baby. Our happiness was because of their sadness. They were happy with their descision though to place her with us and that helped a lot. To us the hospital has always been a stressful experience. We too, had a baby that stayed for 12 days after birth. I stayed in the hospital with him and the birthmother visited everyday. It became too much for her when the nurses would ask me for direction in which options to go with. She stopped coming, but still came to walk him out when he was released. This was a comfort to her. So many times I found myself saying to myself "of course you can do that, see him, visit us, etc. We have our lives with this child and you have but mere minutes." I think this helped me with a bit of my guilt once I realized that I was the person to mother these children forever. Does that make sense? :)
I think that I went through alot of the same feelings. I remember everyone being so happy that we had our new baby but in the back of my mind I was mourning I was mourning that this wonderful lady just gave her child up. I still think about her and one holidays, and our daughters birthday I just can't ever get her out of her mind. I feel like I owe the world to her. Heck I do owe the world to her. She completed my life.
As a mother of 1 bio son who was born 7 weeks early and had life saving surgery at 5 hours old with a 30 day NICU stay we feel the stress of birth. It is all worth it and the child does know the love he receives during that time. We are looking to become parents again but through adoption this time. Thank you for sharing your feelings as it will prepare us for that step in our adoption process. We are currently looking for a birthmother for an open private adoption. www.wants2adopt.blogspot.com
I read your blog and this is EXACTLY how I felt. Our first adoption was 8 years ago and the guilt was awful. The birthmom's letters were so difficult to read. It was so hard to be excited, happy and overjoyed for something you wait a lifetime for, when you know how bad a heart is breaking. And our 2nd one, I felt the same as you, not so much guilt. Maybe it is that we had already gone though it. But you have a kindred soul in me. Thanks for sharing your blog.
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