How soon will we bond with our baby? I wonder if he will feel like ours immediately? These were questions Brian and I asked ourselves as the birth of our oldest son approached. I think these are normal questions prospective adoptive parents ask. Adoption is an experience you can attempt to explain but cannot be completely understood until you have experienced it. You have so many emotions, questions, concerns; it is a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
We asked ourselves these questions and the answers were immediate. As Brice's bassinet was wheeled into the nursery, we looked down at him and he was ours. I do not know how to explain our feelings, but we knew he was our son. With Rogan, I was in the delivery room, so I experienced his birth with his birth family. Rogan was whisked away to the NICU because he was premature. As soon as we were able to hold him in the NICU we did and the bond was instant. I believe our bond with Brice and Rogan began prior to their birth. We created an emotional attachment to them before we ever laid eyes on them.
I believe bonding for adoptive parents often happens this way. We bond before we even realize we have bonded. An emotional bond is created to a baby we haven't even met yet. As soon as we see them for the first time our bond with them is spontaneous. Sometimes, even in biological parents, this spontaneous feeling does not occur and that is completely normal. In order to encourage bonding I would recommend the following:
1. Be in the nursery with your child holding them as often as you can. Sometimes holding your baby can be delayed due to adoption paperwork. We encountered this with Brice; we could not hold him for an hour. It was the longest hour of our life, but as soon as we received the green light he was in our arms. Until we were given permission, we stood by his bassinet holding his little hand and talking too him, introducing ourselves to him.
2. Find out the child's feeding schedule and be there to feed them. We fed our kids almost every bottle they had while in the hospital. We would have been there during the midnight feedings too, if we would have been allowed.
3. Change their diapers and give them their sponge bath if possible. There is nothing like being peed on or pooped on to force a bond between baby and parents :). If you have never bathed a baby before, having a nurse nearby is a great way to learn. They can teach you how to bathe them properly and how to care for their umbilical cord and/or circumcision wounds.
4. Talk to your baby, sing to them, and rock them. It is important to let family members and friends meet your baby, but you have to make sure you get time with your child alone. Sometimes, that means excusing yourself and your baby to go to another room and be alone for awhile. You may have to limit introductions, get to know your baby, before introducing him/her to others.
We were able to be with our kids in the hospital and to take them home from the hospital. This is not always the case. Sometimes, babies must go to foster care before placement or you may be adopting an older child. There are many factors that may slow down the bonding process for adoptive parents. It is important to be aware of the obstacles you may face and to prepare for them. The attachment process is different for everyone and it takes time. Be patient, take the time needed, and trust in the bond you will form with your child will last forever.
**Again, I am not an expert. My blog postings are derived from personal experience with the adoptions of our boys. These are my thoughts, feelings and opinions, take them or leave them.
3 comments:
Same here! It just happened! I have had several people ask me, "did she feel like yours from the start." Her adoption happens so fast that honestly there are days I don't remember much but I do remember having this feeling from deep down from the first time I seen her through that nursery window she was mine. The first time I held her it wasn't like holding just a random baby it was me holding my daughter. I believe in love at first sight now:)
For me it did feel like I was holding some body's baby while we were at the agency with our first and in the hospital with our second. It wasn't until we were really physically responsilble that it began to feel real.
At the same time, I felt like I was in shock for couple months with our first adoption. It seemed like is all happened so fast and I was worried it would all go away even though we weren't in any legal risk. It took me awhile to feel comfortable and allow myself to really emotionally connect with our baby.
Adoption is a strange and wonderful experience!
as far as the hospital, if applicable - i think too to remember that your time to bond with the baby will come and last the rest of your lives, but please allow the birthmother her time to be with her child, especially while in the hospital, if she is indecisive about you being there, than maybe graciously step back a bit, assuring her that you love her and the baby but that you want her to have the privacy and time that she needs.
i can only imagine how petrified my adoptive couple was the night they left the hospital after the birth! i wanted them there for all the birth experiences- cutting the chord, giving the first bath, bottle, etc, they left after we got all settled in the mom/baby unit and the plan was to briefly see them in the am with big brother and then again at placement.
they had to leave the hospital that night after all those wonderful experiences fully knowing i was going to be with that baby the next 2 days, that i could change my mind, i know they trusted in my choice to place, but having experienced a failed adoption before i knew that the doubt would creep in, even if just a little bit, and they told me their family all kept asking - 'do you think shell change her mind, do you think shell follow thru'... it's hard! adoption is hard! bonding is sometimes hard!
but that 1:1 time a birthmother has with her baby can never be replaced and so often i hear birthmothers voice their regret and say they wished they had not shared all of that time in the hospital with the Acouple, that they had kept some if not most of it for themselves. and as an adoptive mom i know my heart would be sickened if i later learned i had unintentionally 'taken' that time away from my birthmother and her child.
so there's my 2 cents on that!
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