As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?
Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation- Perserve the natural family. An excellent idea, except what if there is no family to preserve? What if the birth mother has no one? What if she cannot earn enough of a living to clothe, feed and shelter herself? What if she has no family members willing to assist her? What if she does not want to be a parent? Should she not be allowed to chose another alternative?
Government and community assistance- Well, we see how well government programs have worked so far. The majority of people receiving government assistance still live below the poverty level. Who wants to raise their child in poverty if there is another alternative? Again, even with assistance many birth mothers would not make enough to support their family.
Orphanages- Letting children live in an orphanage instead of being raised by an adoptive family. Living in an institution versus living in a loving home. I believe most would chose a home.
Abortion- Many birth mothers do not believe in abortion. If adoption was abolished, birth mothers may seek out an abortion as their only alternative. They must then live with those emotional consequences for their lifetime.
I understand all issues have sides. Adoption has another side, a side whose belief is adoption is not an act of love. It is has been my experience, the anti adoption side consists of low numbers. I correspond regularly with adoptees, adoptive parents, birth mothers and others touched by adoption who would agree.
11 comments:
Wow, people are just cruel. And none of those "alternatives" were options. And I think that the comments about how your children are going to have problems and what not are just retarded, because a child will have more problems if they're raised in an orphanage. ha
Well girls, as an adoptee and a lurker, probably a troll too, I can tell you along with many, many adoptees that the trauma of the loss of a mother never goes away.There are serious alternatives to adoption, which have never been tried because the market for babies is too lucrative.You may not wish to hear that, but it is the truth for adoptees, however we might all wish it were not so.
I'm not' retarded', bitter, twisted or unfulfilled in my long life, but I do have the scars of adoption, always will have.That is not being cruel to adopters it is my truth.
Many children would be better off in 'an orphange' if it was the best it could be, so they could keep their identity, name, country,ethnic group, language, religion and families if they have them.Adoption strips many of these things and expects them to live a different life...is that humane?
No-one benefits from being bombarded with hate, what we all need is more compassion, more truth and more reality.
I'm a little surprised that there is so much anti-adoption feeling in this day and age, when open adoption is the norm, and the biological parent(s) make this choice of their own free will. (We are not talking about teens whose parents force them to make an adoption plan.)
I know in our situation, both birth mothers felt fully equipped to make their decisions. They had government assistance at their fingertips. And family to help them, too. But they knew it was not enough, and they wanted more for their children than they had growing up. Living on welfare was not what they wanted, and they knew their relatives were willing to help, but were not healthy enough to truly emotionally support them.
Where is the respect and acceptance for bio parents who DO make this choice out of love and education, and for the adoptive parents who made themselves available? I don't say this spitefully -- I just truly do not understand why this automatically makes for a horrible situation for our children. We -- the bio parents and adoptive parents -- made this plan together, as a team. And we have remained a team ever since. (This is actually the case in many current adoptions, even if they are not open. The plan was still made together and agreed upon by both sets of parents.)
Also, I don't see how pain can be quantitavely measured. The loss of the birthfamily is hard, no doubt. I would never want to invalidate that, and I know my children will grieve that someday, to some degree or another. But being raised by parents who were not prepared to be parents and felt forced into it would be painful, too. That can lead to further poverty and even abuse, unfortunately.
Von, I'm sorry your situation was so awful and that it has been painful for you all along. I hope that you can also allow yourself to see that not all adoptions are like that.....
On another note....this Saturday is Birth Mother's Day. We are celebrating with our children's birthmothers. Amy, will you be doing a post about Bmother's day? :)
My hubby found out he was adopted last year (at the ripe old age of 31). He only struggles because his parents are kind of awful people. He doesn't think that because of the adoption, of which he knew nothing about, but because his parents are a little crazy and abusive. We don't know anything about his birth parents, but are glad to finally know. He isn't searching for them, but is curious about who they might be and what the circumstances might have been. However, we still consider his parents to be his parents, as difficult as they may be.
I know many other adopted people who, not only love their parents, but consider themselves lucky to have been "picked" by wonderful parents who wanted them so badly that they adopted them.
Anyway, continue onward and upward!
Good post! It is true that there are many sides to adoption. We should not paint all with the same brush.
I realize my children will have questions, confusion and yes, maybe even anguish; but I refuse to let these things rule my life or my children's. Just because I do not focus every ounce of my being on their possible hurt does not mean I don't "get it".
Orphanages, really?? Eek! :-o
PS The market for my children was SO "lucrative" that we were called in from out-of-state in both cases to fill a void where there were no available choices for my kids' moms. Again, not all adoptions are the same... Not all a-parents are salivating baby stealers just like all first moms are not strung out teenage drug addicts. ;-)
We struggled with this, as well. My husband and I traveled to Kazakhstan to adopt our fourth child. We have such a heart for adoption, but at the same time, it is bitter sweet. In a perfect world our son's birth mother would have been able to keep him and rear him. He did have a bio grandmother who I think would have kept him if she could have, but she also had other children with her and didn't have the means. What if we had "adopted" the family? I think about this from time to time. What if we could have helped his grandmother? But of course that was never an option presented to us. He had been in the orphanage over 6 months, abandoned in the hospital after birth, when we met our son. We did learn that our son had been passed up by at least one other couple because of health issues. Maybe no one else would have adopted him if it weren't for us. Again, I don't know. I do know that we prayed about this decision and did not take it lightly. I do know that our son is loved by our whole family and church family. I do know that when we talk about adopting again he insists we pray about it immediately. And we do. I think adoption is a beautiful way to add to a family. I'm sure there have been less than ideal circumstances surrounding some adoptions and for that I'm sad. But to rid the orphans of the world of the families they could have because of the handful of corrupt or failed adoptions? That doesn't seem like much of a solution to me. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Adoption definitely beats the alternative! I only wish more families would open their hearts to the orphans of the world.
I am proud of you lady! And I've thought many of these same things when I've thought about those who are anti-adoption. Good for you for bringing the subject to light! What are the other options? And are they really so much better than giving a child a loving home?
I don't think so.
Can't believe you are getting hate mail. I think you are doing a wonderful thing with this blog!!
Just popping back for a moment..A&K you just don't get it do you? By the way I didn't have 'an awful adoption' you have made an assumption here, always dangerous.
My adopters were good people, gave me many advantages and taught me many useful things.I was one of those 'happy adoptees' you hear about.Once the blinkers are off and you see what adoption actually means and the pain it causes, then the truth emerges.Some adopters see that, others do not and never will.
Von - My apologies. With the anti-adoption talk (even suggesting that orphanages may be a better alternative), and talking about your scars, I assumed you meant your situation was an unhealthy or very hurtful one. I do understand that adoption is bittersweet, and that virtually all adoptees grieve their losses. Please don't assume I misunderstand that. My children will certainly have loving and listening ears when they process that side of their stories, and I hope that you have had that, too.
AdoptiveMommaof2 - Sorry! Not sure why I called you Amy in my comment. I know that's not your name. LOL (And Happy Mother's Day! :)
Thanks for writing this. I started to reply but it ran on too long, so I posted my response on my blog. I hope you'll check it out. Thanks for making me think!
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