1. "You can always adopt". Adoption is a blessing and a wonderful way to build a family, it does not however cure infertility. Adoption gives us the children we long for and the family we prayed to have, but it does not take away the pain of not being able to bear children. Please do not say this to someone who is unable to conceive or carry children, it can come across all wrong. It does not make us feel better it only makes us feel more like a failure.
Not everyone can just adopt. Adoption is expensive. Some agencies will not work with families who are over age limits, over weight, have medical problems, disabilities, or are in the military. It is a long, tedious process to be approved to adopt. We have to be deemed healthy by a doctor, background checked by the FBI, background checked by our state, we are interviewed and our marriage evaluated several times by a social worker, and our homes must be inspected and approved. If only everyone had to go through such hoops to have children.
It is not as easy as signing up and waiting to be chosen.
2. "You did not miss out on anything by not giving birth". Really? Did you give birth? If so, how can you tell me that? I missed carrying my child for nine months. I missed seeing an ultrasound or hearing my child's heartbeat for the first time. My child was not placed on my chest immediately after birth, I had to wait for paperwork to be signed and approved before I could even hold my baby.
3. "You got your kids the easy way". Easy, um I disagree. Five miscarriages were not easy, they were the most difficult times of my life. I was poked, prodded, treated like a lab rat while trying to conceive and carry a biological child. We were chosen to be parents once and the birth parents changed their minds. We rode an emotional roller coaster. Having children the old fashion way, seems a little easier at times.
Do not misunderstand me, I would not change anything. Looking back, my family came about just as God planned. We traveled a difficult road to parenthood but look where we are today. We have two boys who are the center of our world, we have a marriage that is probably a little stronger than some, we have an appreciation for our family that others may never understand. I only want you to stop and think about what you say. Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.
14 comments:
Great post! ♥ Michelle (another mom through adoption)
You left out my favorite - "you'll get pregnant after adopting".
Um, being infertile pretty much takes care of that. I mean I don't ovulate which is required to get pregnant. Adopting isn't going to change that if IVF & drugs didn't work either.
Well said and great advice!
Adoption is never a cure for infertility as you all know.Great post and hopefully useful to many who have never thought about the hurtful way they sometimes deal with others.My particular 'favourite' is, after miscarriage. "Oh, you'll have another one."
I love you. Just yesterday I got an e-mail from a total stranger asking me if I had considered adoption. They were very well meaning and I knew the intention was not cruel, but.... of course I've considered adoption! And I probably will adopt one day. That doesn't take away my desire to carry a child though. It doesn't take away the pain that it may not happen. And for people to assume that adoption is this easy choice that would take away all other problems? I just don't think people have a real clear concept of how much goes into getting to that happy family point. It surely has a beautiful ending, but it is far from easy.
And I just rambled, but the point was - thank you!
Ugh! I heard, "Maybe you should just adopt," from the doctor I went to see to help with my infertility. Talk about feeling hopeless. Hello! I know adoption is an option but I came to you to help with my medical issues.
We got the "now you'll get pregnant" thing too. Then three years later when I did get pregnant the "see I told you so." Mike always said, "I know what got you pregnant and it had certainly wasn't filling out adoption paperwork."
Great post! I could scream every time I hear: "watch! you'll get pregnant once you adopt because will be relaxed." I want to say: "sorry for being a bitch with a stick up my a**!" I mean come on...do you think I'm not relaxed, lol? :)
I haven't struggled with infertility, but several close friends have. The 'just adopt and then you'll relax and get pg' one is one of the worst! One friend explained that the reality is that about 10% of people who have unexplained infertility will get pg at some point -- whether they adopt or not. Adoption has nothing to do with it!
Wow, this is a great post, I read an article someone else posted about what not to say to someone who is going through IVF and infertility. It was very imformative, I'll find the link and email it to you, I'll admit, some of the things that article said not to say, I had said, but I didn't realize at the time I shouldn't have.
Also, I'd love to write a post about what not to say to a birth mom, if you'd like to link to it from my blog, or I could email it to you and you can post it here. I think you get more traffic than me, so I think if I gave it to you to post, more people would read it. But just let me know...
Here is that link - http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html
Well said!!
Wonderful post...people really do say dumb things!! We lost twin daughters at 20 weeks in 2007....we brought our daughter home from Vietnam in 2009...last Mother's day (2008), almost everyone I know said "so, how was your FIRST Mother's Day?, I very calmly said to everyone..."this isn't my first Mother's Day, I became a Mom when my twins were born..." Unless you bring your baby home from the hospital, people don't consider you a Mom....that always hurt me...I wish people would think before they opened their mouths..
I couldn't agree more with your post. I always here that maybe now I will get pregnant since I have two adoptive daughters. I HATE that comment.
Thank you for this post. My sister-n-law is struggling with infertility..and I don't understand what she's going through. I can't. I never know what to say to her. This has helped me to see better the bigger view of the adoption world.
Great post! We are the poster children of the "adopt and you'll get pregnant" couple and I can't tell you how much it bothered me that we were now going to be 'the' couple people would relay stories about to others struggling with infertility. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled to be adding to our famiy, and I didn't care how the children came to be our children, I just didn't want to be 'that' couple.
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