Why not foster adopt? I have been asked this question several times and my answer is we looked into adopting through the foster care system and were discouraged from pursuing it. When we decided adoption was our way to a family, our first call was to child services. We spoke to a social worker and she told us the goal of the foster care program was to reunite biological families. She stated the foster care system does their best to place a child back into their biological family and only looks into adoption as a last resort. We were told our chances of having a child placed with us that would be available for adoption was slim to none. The social worker suggested if we were set on adoption we needed to seek another path.
We were somewhat surprised by this conversation. We absolutely understand families should be reunited whenever possible, but we believe that is not always in the best interest of a child. I have to say, I have sense spoken to many adoptive families who successfully adopted through the foster care system and would do it again and again. I am not against the foster care system but I do believe we are not the right family to become a foster family.
After deciding not to foster adopt, we proceeded with our home study and continued to explore our options for adoption. During our home study the social worker conducting the study suggested an adoption agency she felt would be a good match for us. We contacted the agency and 5 months later Brice was here. I guess, we found the right path.
2/28/10
The Circus Is In Town
This weekend was the annual Shiner's Circus. We decided we would try to take the boys and see how they would do. There are tons of activities for the kids and the circus is 3-4 hours long. We only made it an hour and a half before our boys were falling asleep in the stands. We left at intermission. They had a great time.
2/26/10
The View
Yesterday's episode of The View was about infertility. I do not watch The View, but after hearing about the episode I did watch it online. Although I did not find the episode extremely informative, you may learn something new. You can view the full episode with limited commercials at
New Book for Adoptive Parents
I received the following email today from theadoptiveparent.com and thought many of you might be interested. After I received all the anti-adoption email, all of your wonderful comments, I get this email too. Funny how that happens. I am looking forward to reading her book.
Award-Winning Writer Publishes Groundbreaking Book on Adoption
New book offers unique insight into adoption from the adoptive parent’s perspective.
Rochester, NY – February 26, 2010 – Award-winning writer and adoptive parent Sally Bacchetta today announced the release of her new book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. The book is described as “a tender, revealing look at adoption from the parent perspective.”Whether an adoptive parent, an adoptee, someone considering adoption, or simply curious about adoption dynamics, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent’s Perspective will touch hearts and increase readers' sensitivity to the challenges and joys that are unique to adoptive parenting.
Bacchetta wrote the book in response to a need common among adoptive families. “Adoptive families navigate emotional terrain that fully-biological families don’t have to,” said Bacchetta, adoptive mother of two. “This is a book adoptive parents can give to their child and say, ‘I know adoption is painful, unsettling, joyous, and affirming. It’s that way for me too. More than anything, adoption is the way we came together, and I’ll always be grateful for that.’”
“Sally has written a narrative that is heartfelt, honest, and warm,” said Greg Franklin, Esq. and Fellow of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. “She’s told her story truthfully and without sugar coating, but also with knowledge from which I would have benefitted had the book been written before my family embarked upon our own journey to adoption. The readers of this book are lucky to have the benefit of Sally’s experience and her shared wisdom, because her story reminds us that we have so much in common.”
Bacchetta’s words echo with the collective voice of over 100 adoptive parents interviewed for this book. With chapters like “I Would Do it All Again”, “You Are Not Different Because You Were Adopted,” and “I Regret What I Can’t Give You,” What I Want My Adopted Child to Know is by turns affirming, challenging, thoughtful, wistful, and poignant.
The book is available at all major online booksellers, including Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Tapestrybooks.com andBorders.com.
About Sally Bacchetta
Sally Bacchetta is an award-winning writer and sales training consultant with more than a decade of experience in medical writing, magazine journalism, and corporate communications. She draws on her educational and professional background in psychology and counseling to illuminate the private thoughts of adoptive parents with sensitivity and startling honesty. Bacchetta is the Rochester Adoptive Families Examiner and her articles have appeared in national and local publications including Genesee Valley Parent magazine. Bacchetta also blogs about parenting and adoption at www.theadoptiveparent.blogspot.com.
They're Here!
Tickets arrived yesterday. Brian and I are so excited we can hardly stand it. A five day trip to Florida in less than a month...just us.
2/25/10
My Thoughts
I just wanted to be mom. I wanted to be called mom (I've settled for Boss), I wanted to do mom things, I wanted to change diapers (it's true we take it for granted until we may not be able to ever experience it), I wanted to take my kids to their activities, watch them grow, kiss their scraped knees, and teach them new things.
The last three days I have received email after email telling me how adoption hurts. I have been told over and over my kids will hurt. I never want my kids to hurt. I understand they have a birth history and it may be hard for them to understand. If they require help in understanding we will make sure that happens.
I was unable to have a biological baby. My body decided not to cooperate. I still felt I had the right to be a mother. Brian and I had the right to raise a family and enjoy parenthood. Our boys' families chose us, they saw something good in us and decided we should parent their children. None of us did anything wrong. We were not wrong to want to be parents and the boys' birth parents did nothing wrong by wanting a different life for their children.
We love our boys. Their birth families love them. Our family was formed through adoption. We believe in our house adoption is a blessing. We believe the boys' birth families are good, selfless, wonderful people. Our boys will never be told otherwise.
Adoption can be good. I believe that.
The last three days I have received email after email telling me how adoption hurts. I have been told over and over my kids will hurt. I never want my kids to hurt. I understand they have a birth history and it may be hard for them to understand. If they require help in understanding we will make sure that happens.
I was unable to have a biological baby. My body decided not to cooperate. I still felt I had the right to be a mother. Brian and I had the right to raise a family and enjoy parenthood. Our boys' families chose us, they saw something good in us and decided we should parent their children. None of us did anything wrong. We were not wrong to want to be parents and the boys' birth parents did nothing wrong by wanting a different life for their children.
We love our boys. Their birth families love them. Our family was formed through adoption. We believe in our house adoption is a blessing. We believe the boys' birth families are good, selfless, wonderful people. Our boys will never be told otherwise.
Adoption can be good. I believe that.
Outside to Play!
We are supposed to get snow accumulation tonight so the boys and I decided to get some fresh air. Brian was able to meet us at the park for a quick picnic in the car then we played at the playground for a little bit. It was a little chilly but well worth it to get some fresh air in our lungs.
Then we came home to play dinosaurs some more before a quick nap.
If you have wondered why I rarely have photos of the boys together it is because when I try it usually turns out like this.
Yep, that's my boys.
2/24/10
Waiting Children
I saw this post on Our Adoption Adventure and wanted to share her post with you:
Thursday, February 18, 2010
What Are the Risks?
As adoptive parents, we are sometimes presented with adoption situations where the birth mother may have used drugs, alcohol or smoked during pregnancy. Oftentimes, exposure occurs before a birth mom knows she is pregnant. Adoptive parents often have questions and concerns about what side effects may occur. The following website can provide helpful information and if you contact them by phone you can speak to someone who can personally answer your questions and address your concerns.
The Organization of Teratology Information Specialists (OTIS) is a non-profit organization made up of individual services (TIS) throughoutNorth America . We are dedicated to providing accurate evidence-based, clinical information about exposures during pregnancy and lactation. If you have questions about risks please locate a service near you by clicking on the map on the top of the web page.
The Organization of Teratology Information Specialists (OTIS) is a non-profit organization made up of individual services (TIS) throughout
2/23/10
Comment Moderation
I am now having to approve all comments left due to some inappropriate comments left on the Birth Mother's Story post. I welcome all opinions, even those I do not agree with, if expressed appropriately. I will not allow someone to curse or be hateful. Your comment is welcome as long as it is not offensive, hateful, hurtful, or explicit. Thank you.
A Birth Mother's Story
I came across Carol's story on an adoption forum. She gave me permission to pass along her story. She hopes her story will be beneficial to someone else looking to make an adoption plan, adoptive parents, or adoptees who may read it.
_______________________________________
Hi, my name is Carol. I am 25 years old and I am going to tell you about my journey of adoption. Adoption is with you your whole life. God, our Heavenly Father, has adopted us as his own. We are his children and will always be his children.
Around the end of November 2007, I got into a relationship with a man we will just call Bob. I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time. A single mother of two young children from a previous marriage. My children at the time were 4 ½ and 2½. I really wanted to be in a relationship and felt so alone that it ended up being with the next guy I thought could be part of my life.
Bob and I hit it off really great. He knew how to make me laugh. We spent a lot of time together and he loved my kids. I thought he was great until I started to get to know the real him. By this time, I already started to (what I thought was) love him. I started to see the defects. But when you get fooled with love, you accept pretty much whatever comes your way. He was living with his mother at the time at age of 28. He had no job and had 2 kids from previous relationships. He also had a huge problem with drinking. He didn’t think he did. He thought everyone else had a problem and not him. This is a sign of an alcoholic in denial. I thought that since no one else was going to love him, I should. I wanted to be the one who helped him and take care of him. I later realized you can’t help someone who is like this. They have to want help and seek it. They need to realize that they are powerless and to accept the changes they will have to make. At that time, I did not know this. His abuse started to kick in. He became jealous and controlling. I thought that I would never get into this kind of relationship again after what I went through with my ex-husband. I figured, well, if this is how it is, this is how it is.
I made a mistake of letting him move in with me after knowing him for only a month. He started to take advantage of it. He then thought he could have full control of me now because he would be the man of the house. He had no respect and put me and my kids down a lot of the time. We could not enjoy going anywhere without ending it in a fight. He was very manipulative with his words. Almost always putting me in a guilt trip. He would use what I said against me. I really didn’t know how to work a relationship and neither did he. This left us at each other’s throat most often.
One night, in late January 2008, he beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions. I cried and cried asking God what to do. “God help me please. I just want this to stop, what do I do. Please show me, tell me, what to do.” I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I didn’t let it ring enough to answer. I was moreover scared he would walk in and see I was on the phone for some odd reason at 2am. I did let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not rise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself.
Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. I couldn’t really sleep the rest of the night. What just happened, kept going on in my head.
The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I also felt guilt, although these are feelings I should not have, I had them. I had a no contact order against him and at that time it felt like peace. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, March, he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him.
I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. I had already gone against God’s will for me, by going back to him. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon.
By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order.
By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him I lost the baby and that he has no reason to ever call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again.
A month later I met a man named Josh. I started to get to know him and like him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wasn’t really looking to get in another relationship due to the previous disaster I was in. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me.
After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. We spent the weekends together with the kids, doing all sorts of activities. I have never been so happy and healthy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord.
By the end of December of 2008, I was at the morning service at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. “Adoption?” I heard in my thoughts, “What…Why?That would be way too hard!” I started crying. (as you can tell I am an emotional person) and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling. I couldn’t ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. If I kept the baby or if I placed the baby for adoption.
The next day I went to an adoption agency called C.A.S.I Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. She was exceedingly caring to me and quite understanding. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I came home and started immediately. I started to think about; what I wanted for this baby girl inside me, what these families had to offer. I looked for couples who; were real, loved each other unconditionally along with the Lord, a stay-at-home mother to give all the motherly love and attention to her, and most of all, a loving father. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family.
I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am
Around the end of November 2007, I got into a relationship with a man we will just call Bob. I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time. A single mother of two young children from a previous marriage. My children at the time were 4 ½ and 2½. I really wanted to be in a relationship and felt so alone that it ended up being with the next guy I thought could be part of my life.
Bob and I hit it off really great. He knew how to make me laugh. We spent a lot of time together and he loved my kids. I thought he was great until I started to get to know the real him. By this time, I already started to (what I thought was) love him. I started to see the defects. But when you get fooled with love, you accept pretty much whatever comes your way. He was living with his mother at the time at age of 28. He had no job and had 2 kids from previous relationships. He also had a huge problem with drinking. He didn’t think he did. He thought everyone else had a problem and not him. This is a sign of an alcoholic in denial. I thought that since no one else was going to love him, I should. I wanted to be the one who helped him and take care of him. I later realized you can’t help someone who is like this. They have to want help and seek it. They need to realize that they are powerless and to accept the changes they will have to make. At that time, I did not know this. His abuse started to kick in. He became jealous and controlling. I thought that I would never get into this kind of relationship again after what I went through with my ex-husband. I figured, well, if this is how it is, this is how it is.
I made a mistake of letting him move in with me after knowing him for only a month. He started to take advantage of it. He then thought he could have full control of me now because he would be the man of the house. He had no respect and put me and my kids down a lot of the time. We could not enjoy going anywhere without ending it in a fight. He was very manipulative with his words. Almost always putting me in a guilt trip. He would use what I said against me. I really didn’t know how to work a relationship and neither did he. This left us at each other’s throat most often.
One night, in late January 2008, he beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions. I cried and cried asking God what to do. “God help me please. I just want this to stop, what do I do. Please show me, tell me, what to do.” I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I didn’t let it ring enough to answer. I was moreover scared he would walk in and see I was on the phone for some odd reason at 2am. I did let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not rise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself.
Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. I couldn’t really sleep the rest of the night. What just happened, kept going on in my head.
The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I also felt guilt, although these are feelings I should not have, I had them. I had a no contact order against him and at that time it felt like peace. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, March, he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him.
I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. I had already gone against God’s will for me, by going back to him. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon.
By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order.
By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him I lost the baby and that he has no reason to ever call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again.
A month later I met a man named Josh. I started to get to know him and like him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wasn’t really looking to get in another relationship due to the previous disaster I was in. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me.
After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. We spent the weekends together with the kids, doing all sorts of activities. I have never been so happy and healthy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord.
By the end of December of 2008, I was at the morning service at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. “Adoption?” I heard in my thoughts, “What…Why?That would be way too hard!” I started crying. (as you can tell I am an emotional person) and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling. I couldn’t ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. If I kept the baby or if I placed the baby for adoption.
The next day I went to an adoption agency called C.A.S.I Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. She was exceedingly caring to me and quite understanding. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I came home and started immediately. I started to think about; what I wanted for this baby girl inside me, what these families had to offer. I looked for couples who; were real, loved each other unconditionally along with the Lord, a stay-at-home mother to give all the motherly love and attention to her, and most of all, a loving father. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family.
I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am
friends with her (baby) aunt.
I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me all the answers. Yet I couldn’t find any. I got a new batch of profiles from C.A.S.I and went through them. One couple I took interest in, but was not 100% sure. I
thought about calling them but held back. There, lying amongst the other profiles was my friends brother and wife’s’ profile gleaming at me. I picked it up once more, staring at it for an hour, going through my pros and cons of this family. I still wasn’t sure. This decision was the hardest of them all. I just
wanted to pick it out of a hat. I know that that wouldn’t be the right idea though.
I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. I also returned the profiles back to C.A.S.I Foundation. I had an appointment with the case worker that Friday. A week before I had my baby. I was set up to meet the family.
I was quite nervous that morning of the meeting. My son was at school and my daughter came along to the meeting with me. When I walked in the room, I felt much peace with this family. They were so happy to see me as well as I was to see them. I had a list of questions I asked them and they answered them all. I was happy with my decision. I got to know them and they got to know me. I told them that they could be at the hospital and that they would take the baby with them after she is born. I also wanted a closed adoption. I felt it would be too hard for me to see her after having her. They respected my wishes and said that if I happened to change my mind, they are more than willing for this to be an open adoption and to think about it. I told them I would.
I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. I also returned the profiles back to C.A.S.I Foundation. I had an appointment with the case worker that Friday. A week before I had my baby. I was set up to meet the family.
I was quite nervous that morning of the meeting. My son was at school and my daughter came along to the meeting with me. When I walked in the room, I felt much peace with this family. They were so happy to see me as well as I was to see them. I had a list of questions I asked them and they answered them all. I was happy with my decision. I got to know them and they got to know me. I told them that they could be at the hospital and that they would take the baby with them after she is born. I also wanted a closed adoption. I felt it would be too hard for me to see her after having her. They respected my wishes and said that if I happened to change my mind, they are more than willing for this to be an open adoption and to think about it. I told them I would.
Exactly a week later, February 6th, 2009, I got ready and left to the hospital that morning to have the cesarean. I was nervous and excited. I was ready to have her and rid of all the back and leg pains I had being pregnant with her. My friend came with me and stayed with me the whole day. It was time to go into the operating room where the cesarean was to be done. It took them a while to get the baby out cause of all the scar tissue from my previous children. This scared me, but I was reassured by the doctors that I would be just fine as well as the baby. Then this baby girl was out and placed on the table about 8 feet from me at 1:20pm. She came out a healthy 8lbs and 1 oz and 20 inches long. My eyes began to flood when I saw and heard her cry. She was real and she is her own little self detached from my belly. The doctor picked her up, wrapped her in a hospital blanket and placed her next to my face. “She is so beautiful,” I gasped. Her beautiful red hair and gleaming blue eyes. She is finally here. The doctors took me to the recovery room, where I rested for the remaining of the day. By evening I decided I DID want to see her. So they brought her to the room and I fell so much in love with her. I know I did the right thing.
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust.
Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God gave me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust.
Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God gave me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a
carrier of a miracle for another family. I could not do this without the Lord. The journey has its ups and downs. I have my fair share of ups and downs with it.
The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore. It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, to little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore. It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, to little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
Selecting an Adoption Therapist
Selecting and Working With an Adoption Therapist
Author(s): Child Welfare Information Gateway
Adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved. Adoption brings unique rewards as well as challenges to families, and sometimes families will need or want professional help as concerns or problems arise. Timely intervention by a professional skilled in adoption issues often can prevent issues common to adoption from becoming more serious problems that might be more difficult to resolve.
The type (e.g., individual, family, group) and duration of therapy will vary depending on many variables, including the kinds of problems being addressed. Some families build a relationship with a therapist over years, "checking in" for help as needed. Other families might find they need a therapist's help only once or twice. Sometimes a difficulty a child is experiencing is very obviously connected to adoption, but sometimes the connection is not readily apparent. On the other hand, issues that seem to be related to adoption, after investigation, turn out not to be related to adoption at all. Clinicians with adoption knowledge and experience are best suited to help families identify connections between problems and adoption and to plan effective treatment strategies.
Author(s): Child Welfare Information Gateway
Adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved. Adoption brings unique rewards as well as challenges to families, and sometimes families will need or want professional help as concerns or problems arise. Timely intervention by a professional skilled in adoption issues often can prevent issues common to adoption from becoming more serious problems that might be more difficult to resolve.
The type (e.g., individual, family, group) and duration of therapy will vary depending on many variables, including the kinds of problems being addressed. Some families build a relationship with a therapist over years, "checking in" for help as needed. Other families might find they need a therapist's help only once or twice. Sometimes a difficulty a child is experiencing is very obviously connected to adoption, but sometimes the connection is not readily apparent. On the other hand, issues that seem to be related to adoption, after investigation, turn out not to be related to adoption at all. Clinicians with adoption knowledge and experience are best suited to help families identify connections between problems and adoption and to plan effective treatment strategies.
Finding the right therapist can seem like a daunting task, especially when parents may be feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the difficulties for which they are seeking help. Parents should take the time to shop around for a mental health provider who has the experience and expertise required to effectively address their family's needs. At minimum, a therapist must:
- Be knowledgeable about adoption and the psychological impact of adoption on children and families
- Be experienced in working with adopted children and their families.
- Know the types of help available.
Check on Insurance The search for a therapist can be complicated by restrictions imposed by insurance companies or health management organizations (HMOs); however, it may still be possible to choose from a list of approved therapists. Check with your insurance company to find out:
- The extent of your coverage for mental health treatment
- Specialty areas of approved providers
- Company policies regarding referrals to, and payment for, treatment provided by therapists outside the plan.
You may be able to justify using a therapist outside of the network for specialized services if the insurance company does not have providers with the required expertise. Although you might meet some resistance, persevere to secure the needed services-you are your child's strongest advocate.
Some therapists accept Medicaid reimbursement. The challenge is to locate a therapist who accepts reimbursement and who has experience in foster care and adoption. Your local public foster care agency may be able to give you referrals to therapists they use for children's treatment.
Many different professionals provide mental health services but not all may be available in your area. It helps to know the training and credentials of various professionals attain.
- Pediatrician or Family Practice Physician -Medical doctor (M.D.) who specializes in childhood or adolescent care and who typically treats routine medical conditions; a primary care physician who refers a child for additional lab studies or diagnostic procedures and who coordinates referrals to other specialists.
- Psychiatrist -Medical doctor (M.D.) who specializes in the evaluation of major mental or emotional disorders which may require medication. Psychiatrists complete medical school and follow with post-graduate training in psychiatric disorders and perhaps subspecialties in child and adolescent psychiatry. Psychiatry's primary focus is on medication consultation and management, and only a few psychiatrists have formal training in psychotherapy, counseling, or interventions that address child and adolescent behavioral or emotional disorders. Rather, most work with or refer to specialists in child and family evaluation and therapy.
- Clinical Psychologist -a clinical psychologist has completed a doctoral degree (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) in psychology and usually has completed advanced courses in general development, psychological testing and evaluation, as well as psychotherapy techniques and counseling. Many clinical psychologists develop a subspecialty in child and adolescent development, psychological testing, and family therapy.
- Clinical Neuropsychologist -Clinical neuropsychologists hold a Ph.D. They complete undergraduate and graduate training in biological and medical theories pertaining to human behavior and doctoral studies in clinical neuropsychology, followed by post-graduate specialty training in the assessment and treatment of neurodevelopmental disorders, neurological and medical conditions, traumatic brain injury, learning and memory disorders and the differential diagnosis of organic versus psychiatric or psychological disorders.
- Clinical Social Worker -A clinical social worker (LCSW or MSW) has completed a master's degree in social work with emphasis on family structure and children's interactional strengths and weaknesses. Social workers typically focus on social, educational and family adjustment issues, but usually do not have professional training in psychological testing. Many complete advanced training and licensure in order to be qualified under state licensure requirements to offer counseling to individuals and families.
- Marriage and Family Therapist -Marriage and family therapists (MSW) have a master's degree in counseling techniques that mainly focus on family relationships and couples. Family therapists focus on communication building and on family structure and boundaries within the family.
- Licensed Professional Counselor -A licensed professional counselor often has graduate training in a specialty such as education, psychology, pastoral counseling, or marriage and family therapy. Licensed professional counselors focus on brief problem-solving therapies with a focus on reorganizing the family, building communication skills, and strengthening family relationships.
- Pastoral Counselor -A pastoral counselor has a minimum of a master's degree (many have completed doctoral training) and focuses on supportive interventions for individuals or families, using spirituality as an additional source of support for those in treatment.
Ask for Referrals Locating a therapist does not have to be difficult. You may want to contact community adoption support networks, use the Internet, and/or ask your placement agency. Many adoption agencies have either consulting mental health therapists trained in adoption on staff or referral resources in the community. Public agencies may have a list of therapists who have effectively worked with children in foster care and adoption. In addition, there are independent social service organizations throughout the United States that provide post-adoption services, which may include parent support groups, individual and family counseling, children's support groups, educational seminars, consultations and advocacy.
Check with the following resources for therapist recommendations:
- Agency social workers involved in the original placement
- State or local mental health associations - most offer referral services and list specialty areas for therapists
- Public and private adoption agencies
- Local adoptive parent support groups
- Specialized agencies providing post-adoption services.
Using those recommendations, call therapists for a phone or face-to-face interview. Many therapists will offer a 15- or 20-minute initial consultation free of charge. In contacting a community mental health center, parents should ask for names of the center's family and child specialists and then leave messages for those clinicians requesting a short phone interview.
Phone Interview Questions Parents should start by giving the clinician a brief description of the concern or problem for which they are requesting help. Listed below are some questions to discuss.
- What is the therapist's experience with
- Adoption, in general?
- Infertility?
- Special needs adoption?
- Open adoption?
- Transracial adoption?
- Identity issues in the context of adoption?
- Search and reunion?
- Adoptive families?
- Adopted children?
- Children who have histories of loss, abuse and/or neglect?
- Children who may have learning or developmental disabilities?
- How long has the therapist been in practice, and what degrees, license or certification does he or she have?
- What continuing clinical training does he or she have on adoption issues?
- Does the therapist include parents in the therapeutic process?
- Does the clinician prefer to work with the entire family or only with the child(ren)?
- Will the therapist give parents regular reports on a child's progress?
- Can the therapist estimate a time frame for the course of therapy?
- What is the therapist's theoretical orientation regarding treatment? Many therapists treat from one or more of the following approaches:
- behavioral therapy, which focuses on treating overt behaviors
- cognitive therapy, which focuses clinical intervention on thinking processes, motivation, and reasons for certain behaviors
- family systems therapy, which views family members as a unit and focuses on their interpersonal and communications patterns
- psychoanalysis, which is based on psychosexual development theories, personality structure and psychotherapy techniques pioneered by Sigmund Freud.
Other Practical Considerations Most therapists or clinical practices have policies regarding late or missed appointments, notice required for rescheduling appointments, and filing for insurance reimbursement. Parents should ask for this information.
- What is the therapist's arrangement for coverage when he or she is not available, especially in the event of an emergency?
- Are daytime, evening, or weekend appointments available? What about after-school appointments?
- Does the therapist offer discounted or sliding scale fees if he or she is not an approved provider for your health coverage?
- Does the therapist accept adoption subsidy medical payments or Medicaid reimbursement payments?
- Does the therapist have experience working collaboratively with school personnel including attending any appropriate school meetings.
Working with a Therapist Parents may request an evaluation meeting with the therapist 6-8 weeks after treatment begins. This evaluation meeting will help all parties "take a pulse" on progress of the treatment and to discuss the following areas:
- Satisfaction with the "chemistry" between the therapist and family members. (It is important for parents to understand that a trusting relationship between clinician and the child may take several weeks or longer to establish. This is particularly true of children who have had histories of significant loss and separations.)
- Mutually agreed-upon goals for treatment approaches and desired outcomes.
- Progress on problems that first prompted the request for treatment. Parents should realize that some behaviors need extensive intervention before progress can be identified.
- A tentative diagnosis.
- The therapist's evaluation of the chances that therapy can improve the situation(s) which prompted treatment.
- Follow through by the family with the therapist's recommendations. Practiced any "homework" assignments? (Parents should know that most of the "work" in therapy occurs between, not during, sessions and that it is a reciprocal process.)
The family's involvement and support of the therapy is often critical to a positive outcome for the child. Families must commit to keeping regularly scheduled appointments, and parents should not use therapy as a tool for discipline.
Family members must communicate regularly with the therapist and ensure that the therapist has regular feedback about conditions at home. The success of therapy depends heavily on open, honest and trusting communication.
Recognizing the need for outside support and early intervention when problems arise will help adopted children and their families navigate the challenges adoption presents as they grow and develop.
In Summary You can locate a therapist who has the experience and training best suited to your needs by checking with local, State, and regional referral sources. This may take more time but in the end, your research efforts should result in finding the mental health service provider best able to work with you and your child.
Resources
There are national professional organizations that will provide you with information regarding therapists that specialize in adoption issues. These organizations can direct you to therapists in your area.
The American Psychological Association (APA)
750 First Street, NE
Washington, D.C. 20002
202.336.5500
Website: http://www.apa.org/
750 First Street, NE
Washington, D.C. 20002
202.336.5500
Website: http://www.apa.org/
The American Psychiatric Association
1400 K Street, NW
Washington, D.C. 20005
1.888.35.PSYCH (77924)
202.682.6000
Website: http://www.psych.org/
1400 K Street, NW
Washington, D.C. 20005
1.888.35.PSYCH (77924)
202.682.6000
Website: http://www.psych.org/
The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy
1133 15th Street, NW
Suite 300
Washington, D.C. 20005
202.452.0109
Website: http://www.aamft.org/
1133 15th Street, NW
Suite 300
Washington, D.C. 20005
202.452.0109
Website: http://www.aamft.org/
The National Association of Social Workers
750 First Street, NE
Suite 700
Washington, D.C. 20002
202.408.8600
Website: http://www.naswdc.org/
750 First Street, NE
Suite 700
Washington, D.C. 20002
202.408.8600
Website: http://www.naswdc.org/
2/22/10
Adoptive Parenting
"the journey and joys of parenthood are equal, regardless of the method in which your family is created" ~Adoption.com
As parents of adopted children we face many of the same obstacles in parenthood as biological parents. We also will likely encounter issues that are unique to adoption. One of the issues adoptive parents often must help their children address is a sense of loss and grief. Be prepared and expect your child to encounter these feelings. If outside help or counseling is needed seek it (I will post information on how to find an adoption therapist tomorrow). Click here and here for more information on grief and loss issues for the adopted child.
Another unique issue adoptive parents and their children may encounter comes from the general public. When families are formed through adoption we may not always resemble each other. Oftentimes, people are completely comfortable asking questions we may find personal, offensive, or intrusive. Remember, these questions generally come about because the person asking them has little knowledge and/or experience with adoption. When asked personal questions use the opportunity to educate and advocate adoption whenever possible.
As our children become school aged they will encounter issues unique to them. Children can be cruel and hurtful with their comments when addressing an adopted child. Certain school assignments may be uncomfortable or awkward for adopted children (i.e. genealogy, biology assignments). For resources to help parents and teachers work together click here.
I write these posts as a parent. As I research, read, and learn I share my resources with you. If you have additional resources to share or topics you would appreciate a post about feel free to email me at adoptivemomma2@yahoo.com.
Dinosaurs are Amazing!
If you have read my blog more than once you probably know Brice loves dinosaurs. "Dinosaurs are amazing!" he said today as we visited the Sam Nobel Museum of Natural History. He is so much fun.
Is it possible to have too much fun?
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