‘Real Housewife’ on adoption, insecurity

Kelsey Stewart posted this article on Facebook earlier and I thought I would pass it on.  The article is taken from a recent interview on Today.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/37318830/

I personally feel Ms. Staub's adoption occurred in a different era.  Her feelings of insecurity and loss are just that...hers.  Adoptees may have the same feelings and insecurities as her, but others will not.  Each individual adoptee's feelings and processing of their adoption will differ.  It is definitely important to be open and honest with our adopted children.  We must also do all we can to assist them through the processing of their adoption, including therapy if needed. Ms. Staub's issues with her adoption are real and we should be aware as adoptive parents and prepared as adoptive parents to help our children. I do however believe each adoptee will be different and her issues may not be everyones. It is my personal belief honesty and openness is the best policy when discussing adoption with our children. That being said, conversations should also be age appropriate.

We have much more information about our sons' biological families.  We have photos, letters, social history, health history and personal information.  Adoption registries are also available to assist in locating their family members if and when they decide to locate their biological family. This information is and will be available to them as they begin to wonder and develop questions. Are we doing everything the right way?  I doubt it.  We are however handling adoption the best way we know how to in our home.

Happy Memorial Day!

Adoption Scams and Fraud

Adoption scams and fraud are a very real threat.  Generally, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is.  Follow your gut, ask questions, and do the research.  Be aware fraud, scams, and unethical practices exist.   I have assembled some resources to assist you in reporting fraud and unethical practices.  These resources can also be beneficial when researching an adoption agency or facilitator.

1.  Attorneys General
2.  Better Business Bureau
3.  State Licensing Specialist
4.  Joint Council on International Children's Services
5.  Ethica
6.  Adoption Agency Ratings
7.  Child Welfare Information Gateway
8.  National Council for Adoption
9.  National Fraud Information Center

The best way to avoid being taken advantage of is to ask questions, a lot of questions.  Trust your instincts.  Be familiar with the adoption laws in your state.  You do not have to be an attorney to read and become familiar with your state's adoption laws. Adoption.com has assembled the links to the laws in each state, click here.  Theadoptionguide.com has assembled a summary of each state's adoption laws, click here.

If you feel you have been a victim of adoption fraud you should visit these links for advice.  Also document everything and consider hiring legal representation.

Don't Forget to Vote!

Adoptive Families Magazine is looking for nominations for your favorite adoption books.  There are several categories: 1. Adoption memoirs 2. Adoption-friendly parenting books 3. Children's picture books about adoption 4. Children's books that celebrate diversity 5. Young-adult novels with an adoption storyline 6. Novels with an adoption storyline We've had some wonderful authors featured on this site Ola Zuri, Sally Bacchetta, and Kelsey Stewart, all would be worthy nominations.  Click HERE to nominate your favorites. _____________________________________________ Email I received from Sally Bacchetta today reminding me time is almost up!  Hi all, Time is running out to nominate your favorite Adoption-related Parenting Book for Adoptive Families magazine. If you haven't already, and you can do it with a clear conscience, would you please click on the link below and nominate my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective? http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/polls/80 Many of you know that Dennis and I are handling the book promotions ourselves, and any boost we can get is a great help. Thank you!!! Make a great day, http://www.SallyBacchetta.com - Freelance Writer http://www.TheAdoptiveParent.com - The Adoptive Parent To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle. George Orwell

Come On Already!

We only recently sent in our paperwork.  The agency has shown our profile twice that we know of and I am already tired of waiting.  Have I mentioned before waiting is the hardest part?  I know I go on and on with ways to pass the time and make it easier on yourself, but I have difficulty following my own advice.  When you enter baby mode, it is like a vacuum.  You get sucked in and struggle to get out.  I find myself perusing the baby aisles at the store.  I pick up adorable little onesies and clothes then put them down.  I have two little boys who keep me hopping but I still want one more.  I really enjoy being mom and I hope I get to mother one more time.

As Brian reminded me last night, our baby is out there we just have to wait for the right time. I know but...dang come on already!

A Picnic

During the summer, we eat most of our meals outside until it gets so hot we cannot stand to be outdoors.  I picked up a little picnic table for the boys today.  We got home, set up their pool, and I set out to assemble the table.

They decided to help.  By help I mean take the pieces and submerge them in the pool.  Not so helpful.  I was able to get it done in time for lunch.  I think they like it.

This is what happens when I ask them to say "cheese!"  Ornery boys!

A Failed Placement

We had a failed placement in January 2008.  It has come up lately because we are attempting to adopt again.  Over the last two years I have actually developed a positive attitude about it.  I am one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason.  After stepping back from the situation, I realize maybe the reason is not always about me.

Perhaps, we met with those prospective birth parents because they needed us.  They needed to meet with adoptive parents and see our side.  Maybe we were chosen to help them in their decision.  I believe that failed placement was less about us than it was about them.

Sometimes it is hard not to feel selfish.  I felt betrayed and angry at the time.  I do not feel that way any longer.  I feel thankful.  Thankful they made the right decision for them. Thankful they did not choose us because we would not have Rogan.

We are in the waiting period again.  It is hard not to become selfish and worry about the possibility of disappointments.  It is hard not to wonder everyday if someone is reviewing our profile and selecting our family.  It is simply hard to wait.  If our family is meant to be a family of five we will be.

Foster Care

Interested in foster care?  Have questions you would like answered?  Adoptuskids.org is hosting a live chat on Thursday, May 27th to answer your questions!  Ask the experts.  Visit their site to see how to sign up!

It's Summer!

We enjoyed a long weekend in Branson, MO with my in laws.  We took the boys to Silver Dollar City.  You can see pictures from our trip on my other blog here and here.  Brice was tall enough for almost all of the rides and rode his first roller coaster.  He had a big time.

We arrived home to 90 degree weather.  The boys got out their sprinkler yesterday afternoon and played in the yard until they literally collapsed from exhaustion.  The plans are much the same for today. I've blown up their swimming pool and they are having a blast.  Maybe I'll get around to some blogging....

...um doubt it.  We're having too much fun!

Branson Landing

The fun continued today at Branson Landing.

Silver Dollar City

We spent the day in Branson, MO with Brian's parents.  Click here to see how much fun we had.

Silver Dollar City

We spent the day at Silver Dollar City with Brian's parents.  A big time was had by all.

Ask Me

I am getting some great questions thanks to the new formspring.com box on my blog.

Here is one I received today I thought many of you might like to review.

It seems like your 2 previous adoptions were fairly fast. If you don't mind and it's not too personal I was wondering what your preferences where for a child. race, drug use, health... I think we all wonder what we can do to move our waiting period along?

I do not mind at all. Our adoptions did move rather quickly. We attribute that to we were younger than other adoptive parents profiled so maybe we were a little more "marketable". Possible, I don't know for sure.  

We were not very selective on race, basically any Caucasian mix. It just so happened both of our boys are Caucasian and Hispanic. Drug use we were much more selective. We accepted minimal drinking, marijuana use in early stages of pregnancy most likely before pregnancy was known. Overall health, we were somewhat selective but even our own personal histories have cancer, diabetes, etc. We basically requested no schizophrenia and would discuss other mental health issues.  

You can't do much to reduce your waiting unfortunately. Something will just "click" with a birth mother usually. One of our birth mothers said she picked us because of our dogs (among other things obviously). She always had dogs, liked our dogs, and wanted a family where her son would grow up with pets. She also liked that Brian and I had grown up together. Our other birth mother liked the longevity in all our family relationships (us and parents), no divorces. She also liked how much family we had around all the time and how involved they would be her son's life.  

Our adoption social worker said, oftentimes birth mothers will pick someone who is living the life they had hoped to live. 

____________________________________

Excellent questions, I am enjoying answering them on my down time. Keep em' coming. If I receive a question others may benefit from I will most likely post it to my blog. I will not give away information about the person submitting the question.

A Little Sun

A break in the clouds yesterday provided us a little time to get outdoors and play to burn off a lot of built up energy.  

Formspring Questions

I have added a new feature. Notice this new box on my side bar? You can now easily submit your questions to me. I will then answer them and they may become posts.

Parental Age Limits

Parental age limits are all over the place in adoption.  I found this international age restriction list on adoption.com

• Azerbaijan: no age restrictions
• Belarus: minimum +16 over child, no maximum
• Bulgaria: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Cambodia: under 55
• China: maximum 50 (55 for special needs children)
• Columbia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Ecuador: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Ethiopia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Georgia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Guatemala: minimum over 25, no maximum (Although I have also heard there is no max limit, so the information seems to be inconsistent.)
• Haiti: minimum over 35, no maximum
• India between 28 and 40
• Kazakhstan: no age restrictions
• Latvia: no age restrictions
• Liberia: no age restrictions
• Mexico: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Moldova: between 25 and 50
• Nepal: between 25 and 55
• Peru: under 55
• Philippines: minimum over 27, no maximum
• Poland: under 44
• Russia: no age restrictions
• Korea: 25 to 44
• Taiwan: no maximum restriction
• Thailand: no more than 40 years older than the child
• Ukraine: no maximum restriction• Viet Nam: no maximum restriction 
**Please note this list was published in 2007 and may no longer be valid.


Domestic adoption age limits vary from state to state.  A few examples, in Georgia and Idaho prospective adoptive parents must be 25 years old. In Colorado, Delaware and Oklahoma, the age requirement is 21. In Kentucky, Louisiana, Montana, New Jersey, Tennessee, and Washington adoptive parents are only required to be 18 years old.  Several states require adoptive parents to be 10 to 15 years older than the adoptee.  


The maximum age for prospective adoptive parents is increasing.  The old rule was adoptive parents should be no more than 40 years older than the child they are adopting.  This is no longer the case.  More and more older adults are encouraged to adopt, especially from foster care.  Adoption.com states the following reasons for people adopting in their 40's or later:

• Putting off starting a family until careers and/or financial security are established
• Many years of infertility treatments
• Creating a "second" family when children are grown
• Creating a family after remarriage
• Grandparent/kinship adoption

When are you too old to adopt?  I think it depends on the individual. Personally, I would not want to be in my forties or beyond.  At 33, I feel my days of being able to handle midnight feedings, keeping up with my small children, and sleepless nights coming to an end. I doubt I could keep up with a newborn past my mid to late thirties.  We are however, one of the youngest couples to work with our agency.  When we adopted the first time at age 29, we were the youngest. At 33 we are still much younger than most.  Many adoptive parents fall into the categories listed above and do not begin their adoption journey until their 40's.  

To each is own.  Although, I do not understand the latest news reports of 60 and even a 70 year old becoming a first time parent.  Yesterday the internet buzzed that John Travolta age 56 and his wife Kelly Preston age 47 are expecting (as we all know their oldest son Jett died last year).  Kelly is reportedly pregnant.  Um no thanks, not for me.  I would much rather be enjoying my children as teenagers and young adults.   At 56 perhaps being a grandparent, but that's just me.

It's The Small Stuff

The little things in life that matter and make me smile.  Here are a few things that have brought a smile to my face this week in no particular order:

1.  Give a hug!  My 4 year old's new favorite request.  He even stopped me in the grocery store for a hug.  I'll take it.
2.  The Cardinals finally won.  After losing 5 out of their last 6 games.  I love baseball, in case you didn't already know.
3.  My husband came home from work early last night.
4.  He brought me home an Icee.  I love Icees.
5.  Everyone morning when I open Rogan's door and go to get him out of his crib, he starts to giggle and squirm.  He always wakes with a smile.
5.  Mom, please kiss?  Another frequent request from my 4 year old.  Never pass up a kiss from your child even if his kisses taste like peanut butter.
6.  I talked to my mom.  This is an almost daily occurrence.  When she's out of the country on vacation I sometimes feel lost without our daily phone calls about nothing.
7.  Brian unloaded the dishwasher.
8.  Rogan blew me a kiss from the backseat of the car.
9.  A Sonic Dr. Pepper.
10.  A funny email from my husband.

A few little things that have happened this week that made my day a little bit brighter.  I am definitely going to take more time to appreciate the small stuff instead of sweat it.

Briceman

A few funny moments lately:

1.  I was getting onto Brice the other day and laying on the guilt trip as we were driving down the road. While looking out the window, he waves at two bicyclists and says, "so long suckas!"  Lecture over, mom is laughing too hard to continue.

2.  He gives a high five then says, "who's your momma?"

3.  After completing a task we have to sing, "Oh yeah, uh huh, that's right, oh yeah" while dancing.  This can be embarrassing when he decides to celebrate because I picked out the crackers he wanted at the store. People stare, but we break it down anyway.

Oh Brice, we have no idea where he gets it.

Adoption Announcement

And then there were three...

Well, we have decided to try one more time.  We hope to add one more child to our family.  We understand the wait could be long and we may reach a point we feel we are too old for midnight feedings and fussy babies.  If we make it to that point, we will withdraw our application and continue to enjoy our lives as the parents of our boys. We are not trying for a girl, a baby boy would be just as welcome in our home.  

What makes our wait longer this time?  We already have two boys.  When a birth mother looks for a family for placement more often than not, she will chose a childless couple.  If a child is meant to be ours, it will be.  

We will again be working with Adoption Affiliates, the agency we have used previously. We feel comfortable with Adoption Affiliates and have experienced two successful adoptions with them.  

Our family and a few of our friends are already aware of our decision.  Many were not surprised. We really enjoy being parents.  Being only children, we look forward to a home filled with children and large family gatherings as we grow old.  

So, we are waiting.  We have had our profile shown to a couple of expectant mothers and have not been chosen. Waiting is the hardest part.  Although waiting is somewhat easier the second and third time around.  Our life will roll on as usual and we hope and pray our phone will soon ring with big news.

An Announcement

And then there were three...

Well, we have decided to try one more time.  We hope to add one more child to our family.  We understand the wait could be long and we may reach a point we feel we are too old for midnight feedings and fussy babies.  If we make it to that point, we will withdraw our application and continue to enjoy our lives as the parents of our boys. We are not trying for a girl, a baby boy would be just as welcome in our home.  

What makes our wait longer this time?  We already have two boys.  When a birth mother looks for a family for placement more often than not, she will chose a childless couple.  If a child is meant to be ours, it will be.  

We will again be working with Adoption Affiliates, the agency we have used previously. We feel comfortable with Adoption Affiliates and have experienced two successful adoptions with them.  

Our family and a few of our friends are already aware of our decision.  Many were not surprised. We really enjoy being parents.  Being only children, we look forward to a home filled with children and large family gatherings as we grow old.  

Here we are in the same boat as many of you who read my blog.  We are waiting.  We have had our profile shown to a couple of expectant mothers and have not been chosen. Waiting is the hardest stage of adoption I believe.  Although waiting is somewhat easier the second and third time around.  Our life will roll on as usual and we hope and pray our phone will soon ring with big news.  

Grandparents

It's still raining but my parents came to visit and we had fun anyway!