I came across Carol's story on an adoption forum. She gave me permission to pass along her story. She hopes her story will be beneficial to someone else looking to make an adoption plan, adoptive parents, or adoptees who may read it.
_______________________________________
Hi, my name is Carol. I am 25 years old and I am going to tell you about my journey of adoption. Adoption is with you your whole life. God, our Heavenly Father, has adopted us as his own. We are his children and will always be his children.
Around the end of November 2007, I got into a relationship with a man we will just call Bob. I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time. A single mother of two young children from a previous marriage. My children at the time were 4 ½ and 2½. I really wanted to be in a relationship and felt so alone that it ended up being with the next guy I thought could be part of my life.
Bob and I hit it off really great. He knew how to make me laugh. We spent a lot of time together and he loved my kids. I thought he was great until I started to get to know the real him. By this time, I already started to (what I thought was) love him. I started to see the defects. But when you get fooled with love, you accept pretty much whatever comes your way. He was living with his mother at the time at age of 28. He had no job and had 2 kids from previous relationships. He also had a huge problem with drinking. He didn’t think he did. He thought everyone else had a problem and not him. This is a sign of an alcoholic in denial. I thought that since no one else was going to love him, I should. I wanted to be the one who helped him and take care of him. I later realized you can’t help someone who is like this. They have to want help and seek it. They need to realize that they are powerless and to accept the changes they will have to make. At that time, I did not know this. His abuse started to kick in. He became jealous and controlling. I thought that I would never get into this kind of relationship again after what I went through with my ex-husband. I figured, well, if this is how it is, this is how it is.
I made a mistake of letting him move in with me after knowing him for only a month. He started to take advantage of it. He then thought he could have full control of me now because he would be the man of the house. He had no respect and put me and my kids down a lot of the time. We could not enjoy going anywhere without ending it in a fight. He was very manipulative with his words. Almost always putting me in a guilt trip. He would use what I said against me. I really didn’t know how to work a relationship and neither did he. This left us at each other’s throat most often.
One night, in late January 2008, he beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions. I cried and cried asking God what to do. “God help me please. I just want this to stop, what do I do. Please show me, tell me, what to do.” I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I didn’t let it ring enough to answer. I was moreover scared he would walk in and see I was on the phone for some odd reason at 2am. I did let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not rise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself.
Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. I couldn’t really sleep the rest of the night. What just happened, kept going on in my head.
The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I also felt guilt, although these are feelings I should not have, I had them. I had a no contact order against him and at that time it felt like peace. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, March, he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him.
I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. I had already gone against God’s will for me, by going back to him. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon.
By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order.
By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him I lost the baby and that he has no reason to ever call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again.
A month later I met a man named Josh. I started to get to know him and like him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wasn’t really looking to get in another relationship due to the previous disaster I was in. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me.
After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. We spent the weekends together with the kids, doing all sorts of activities. I have never been so happy and healthy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord.
By the end of December of 2008, I was at the morning service at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. “Adoption?” I heard in my thoughts, “What…Why?That would be way too hard!” I started crying. (as you can tell I am an emotional person) and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling. I couldn’t ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. If I kept the baby or if I placed the baby for adoption.
The next day I went to an adoption agency called C.A.S.I Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. She was exceedingly caring to me and quite understanding. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I came home and started immediately. I started to think about; what I wanted for this baby girl inside me, what these families had to offer. I looked for couples who; were real, loved each other unconditionally along with the Lord, a stay-at-home mother to give all the motherly love and attention to her, and most of all, a loving father. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family.
I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am
Around the end of November 2007, I got into a relationship with a man we will just call Bob. I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time. A single mother of two young children from a previous marriage. My children at the time were 4 ½ and 2½. I really wanted to be in a relationship and felt so alone that it ended up being with the next guy I thought could be part of my life.
Bob and I hit it off really great. He knew how to make me laugh. We spent a lot of time together and he loved my kids. I thought he was great until I started to get to know the real him. By this time, I already started to (what I thought was) love him. I started to see the defects. But when you get fooled with love, you accept pretty much whatever comes your way. He was living with his mother at the time at age of 28. He had no job and had 2 kids from previous relationships. He also had a huge problem with drinking. He didn’t think he did. He thought everyone else had a problem and not him. This is a sign of an alcoholic in denial. I thought that since no one else was going to love him, I should. I wanted to be the one who helped him and take care of him. I later realized you can’t help someone who is like this. They have to want help and seek it. They need to realize that they are powerless and to accept the changes they will have to make. At that time, I did not know this. His abuse started to kick in. He became jealous and controlling. I thought that I would never get into this kind of relationship again after what I went through with my ex-husband. I figured, well, if this is how it is, this is how it is.
I made a mistake of letting him move in with me after knowing him for only a month. He started to take advantage of it. He then thought he could have full control of me now because he would be the man of the house. He had no respect and put me and my kids down a lot of the time. We could not enjoy going anywhere without ending it in a fight. He was very manipulative with his words. Almost always putting me in a guilt trip. He would use what I said against me. I really didn’t know how to work a relationship and neither did he. This left us at each other’s throat most often.
One night, in late January 2008, he beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions. I cried and cried asking God what to do. “God help me please. I just want this to stop, what do I do. Please show me, tell me, what to do.” I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I didn’t let it ring enough to answer. I was moreover scared he would walk in and see I was on the phone for some odd reason at 2am. I did let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not rise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself.
Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. I couldn’t really sleep the rest of the night. What just happened, kept going on in my head.
The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I also felt guilt, although these are feelings I should not have, I had them. I had a no contact order against him and at that time it felt like peace. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, March, he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him.
I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. I had already gone against God’s will for me, by going back to him. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon.
By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order.
By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him I lost the baby and that he has no reason to ever call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again.
A month later I met a man named Josh. I started to get to know him and like him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wasn’t really looking to get in another relationship due to the previous disaster I was in. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me.
After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. We spent the weekends together with the kids, doing all sorts of activities. I have never been so happy and healthy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord.
By the end of December of 2008, I was at the morning service at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. “Adoption?” I heard in my thoughts, “What…Why?That would be way too hard!” I started crying. (as you can tell I am an emotional person) and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling. I couldn’t ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. If I kept the baby or if I placed the baby for adoption.
The next day I went to an adoption agency called C.A.S.I Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. She was exceedingly caring to me and quite understanding. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I came home and started immediately. I started to think about; what I wanted for this baby girl inside me, what these families had to offer. I looked for couples who; were real, loved each other unconditionally along with the Lord, a stay-at-home mother to give all the motherly love and attention to her, and most of all, a loving father. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family.
I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am
friends with her (baby) aunt.
I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me all the answers. Yet I couldn’t find any. I got a new batch of profiles from C.A.S.I and went through them. One couple I took interest in, but was not 100% sure. I
thought about calling them but held back. There, lying amongst the other profiles was my friends brother and wife’s’ profile gleaming at me. I picked it up once more, staring at it for an hour, going through my pros and cons of this family. I still wasn’t sure. This decision was the hardest of them all. I just
wanted to pick it out of a hat. I know that that wouldn’t be the right idea though.
I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. I also returned the profiles back to C.A.S.I Foundation. I had an appointment with the case worker that Friday. A week before I had my baby. I was set up to meet the family.
I was quite nervous that morning of the meeting. My son was at school and my daughter came along to the meeting with me. When I walked in the room, I felt much peace with this family. They were so happy to see me as well as I was to see them. I had a list of questions I asked them and they answered them all. I was happy with my decision. I got to know them and they got to know me. I told them that they could be at the hospital and that they would take the baby with them after she is born. I also wanted a closed adoption. I felt it would be too hard for me to see her after having her. They respected my wishes and said that if I happened to change my mind, they are more than willing for this to be an open adoption and to think about it. I told them I would.
I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. I also returned the profiles back to C.A.S.I Foundation. I had an appointment with the case worker that Friday. A week before I had my baby. I was set up to meet the family.
I was quite nervous that morning of the meeting. My son was at school and my daughter came along to the meeting with me. When I walked in the room, I felt much peace with this family. They were so happy to see me as well as I was to see them. I had a list of questions I asked them and they answered them all. I was happy with my decision. I got to know them and they got to know me. I told them that they could be at the hospital and that they would take the baby with them after she is born. I also wanted a closed adoption. I felt it would be too hard for me to see her after having her. They respected my wishes and said that if I happened to change my mind, they are more than willing for this to be an open adoption and to think about it. I told them I would.
Exactly a week later, February 6th, 2009, I got ready and left to the hospital that morning to have the cesarean. I was nervous and excited. I was ready to have her and rid of all the back and leg pains I had being pregnant with her. My friend came with me and stayed with me the whole day. It was time to go into the operating room where the cesarean was to be done. It took them a while to get the baby out cause of all the scar tissue from my previous children. This scared me, but I was reassured by the doctors that I would be just fine as well as the baby. Then this baby girl was out and placed on the table about 8 feet from me at 1:20pm. She came out a healthy 8lbs and 1 oz and 20 inches long. My eyes began to flood when I saw and heard her cry. She was real and she is her own little self detached from my belly. The doctor picked her up, wrapped her in a hospital blanket and placed her next to my face. “She is so beautiful,” I gasped. Her beautiful red hair and gleaming blue eyes. She is finally here. The doctors took me to the recovery room, where I rested for the remaining of the day. By evening I decided I DID want to see her. So they brought her to the room and I fell so much in love with her. I know I did the right thing.
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust.
Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God gave me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust.
Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God gave me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a
carrier of a miracle for another family. I could not do this without the Lord. The journey has its ups and downs. I have my fair share of ups and downs with it.
The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore. It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, to little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore. It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, to little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
18 comments:
Wow! What a touching story. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. It was beautiful:)!
Carol IS that baby's family..and it saddens me that they are separated.
I just don't understand.
It's not easy to rationalize giving up a baby. Carol has convinced herself that she is not her daughter's mother anymore but that is simply NOT SO.
My mother gave me up for adoption, too. I think she did similar rationalizations to bury the guilt. However, she is still my mother and her separating herself from me continues today, years after our reunion.
My friend and fellow adoptee said it best: "Being given away by your own mother is it's own special kind of hell."
Thanks for sharing her story!
Let me try this again, and hopefully I won't offend. I was given up. I have an older sister, and a younger half sister. I was the only one to be given up. And to me, this isn't beautiful, or touching, it's painful in a raw, primal, gut wrenching way. My older sister, who was kept and raised by our mother, also had issues stemming from my adoption. She never felt her place was secure. She wondered simultaneously why I was given up for this "better life" she kept hearing about and she wasn't, and being terrified that mom would relinquish her too. What our mother did has had a life long effect on both of us. I know I'm not alone in my feelings about my adoption/kept siblings, and it pains me to read about siblings being separated by adoption. I also felt the need to point out that Carol may not really know how her children feel about what she did. Or how they will feel about her explanation down the line. My mom never knew how my sister felt, she hid it well. And I doubt she's alone in that.
The last line of anonymous' comment really rings true for me.
From an adult adoptee's perspective, please, please, please do not tell your children that "God told you to give them away" or "she loved you so much she gave you up." Love is what is supposed to keep us together, no matter what. I was told the "your mother loved you....(insert line here)" or "it was God's will that your mother give you up" my entire life. What did that equal to in my mind? That God could seperate me at any time from people that I loved and wanted to be with. It also made me associate love with abandonment. My adoptive parents telling me they loved me did not mean they would always be there, because I knew that even love "made" people leave. Because my surrender to adoption was "God's will" that gave an infertile couple a chance to parent, I always silently felt like it was my job to make up for children who could not be had.
As a child, I did not always have the cognitive labels to tell people how I felt and how their words made me feel. While I knew they had good intentions, I thought that by expressing how uncomfortable I felt and how "not quite right" these common Christian adoption phrases were, that I was "wrong" for feeling this way. I didn't want to say something "wrong" and hurt my adoptive parents. Even when asked how I felt, I remained silent and said nothing was wrong. Nothing was worth risking them leaving me. I didn't care if we were rich or we were poor. I valued them because they were my parents. If we became poor, would they give me up for a "better life" like my First Mom did? She didn't need to leave me, someone should have helped her.
I was surrendered at 2 days old and had a very happy childhood and loving, Christian adoptive parents. However, I have abandonment and trust issues as well as anxiety. Even as a Christian myself, I have an extremely hard time with the concept of unconditional love and trying not to see God as harsh. It has taken me a long time to come out of that and I don't think it will ever be quite gone.
I don't doubt that First Mothers love their children. I am a reunited adoptee and I know for a fact that my First Mother has always loved me and longed to be with me. Love isn't what causes a woman to surrender. It's desperation... and if it's not desperation then it's got to be something else. Love is the ONE thing we are SUPPOSED to have to tell us our parents will never leave. If love doesn't mean you'll always be there and if you tell me you will always be there, what reason do I have to believe you?
I agree with Christina. She is still that little girl's family. :( I am glad she seems somewhat comfortable with her decision, but sad that she doesn't consider herself family. If you are reading this, Carol, you will always be Carlie's family - even if you do not get to see her as much as you'd like. God bless you!
I felt very much the way Carol described for the first years after I relinquished my daughter. Her adoptive family backed off of the contact that was promised, and I was crushed. But I somehow felt that I had to "accept" it and let them be a family. Move on. I now know many years later that I did not have to think that way. I believe that with any relationship, we have to have healthy boundaries and respect those of other people, but I do not think that adhering to the original contact agreement is disrespecting boundaries. :)
Anyway, I instantly identified with so much of what Carol shared about her story... the way she was given profile books and how she compared herself to them, being told of friends and family members of friends who were infertile and hoped I would just at least consider giving my baby to them. For a while, I even felt, as Carol described, like I was meant to provide this child to her family... like I was some kind of means of blessing on their family. As a Christian, this certainly pleased other people around me. They ate it up. I now know, though, that even though my first daughter is no mistake and is in the right place, the means to that end were very, very wrong. It has taken me many years to sift through what is blindly accepted about adoption and realize that it is God who does all things well, IN SPITE of the horrible things that people do to convince women that they are not good enough to keep their own children.
I am not a person who hates adoption. I've seen a lot of joy in it at times. But stories like Carol's just break my heart because she doesn't have to accept this view of what her role is supposed to be for this family and for her child. She doesn't have to be held at arms length and told that she is a selfless hero at the same time. I wish her well as she begins a new chapter of life with her new relationship, but unfortunately I know that she has many years ahead of sorting through how all of this played out. I've seen this over and over and over and over. Women who are writing things like this for the first few years and then finally have an "aha" moment that just about gives them a nervous breakdown. I barely survived mine. I hope that Carol will have a lot of loving support when this eventually happens.
As a prospective Christian adoptive mom, these comments are all very helpful and insightful for me. When God finally brings our adoption pursuits to fruition, I want everything done and said to be in the best interests of our family, the child, and especially the first mother. I would be interested to read more on how any of you think this can be accomplished and what things/attitudes/actions would be critical to avoid.
As a mom to three kids who never had fertility issues, who has had a very loving marriage, blessed financially, and has only dealt with adoption through friends and family I may not be "qualified" to give an opinion on this birth mother's story or adoption at all. However, here it goes: I found Carol's story to be a rather inspiring one. I can't imagine being in a position that would warrant giving up my children, but women everyday find themselves in these positions. Quite honestly, I applaud them because they are giving up their kids out of love. They realize that they have issues that bringing a child into could result in something quite catastrophic. Carol is the baby's birth mother and will always be tied to her because of that but the couple raising the little girl is her family. It doesn't need to be seen as abandonment, but rather something that is quite selfless. I can't imagine the what if game that goes on in a birth mother's or an adoptee's head but we live in a far from perfect world birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees need to celebrated. Which I think Carol does quite well.
I disagree with you Jennie...Carol is NO LESS Carlie's family (along with the kept children) than the adoptive couple.
Actually, I have never met a woman who believes she gave her child up out of love. I have met many women who THOUGHT at the time that that is what they were doing, but once they were able to sort through all of it with a little bit of perspective (aka - the school of life) reality sets in and they realize that what people are defining for them as "love, maturity and selflessness" is actually desperation, low self-esteem, and a lack of options. It just sounds better if you try to say it is love. It makes some people feel a whole lot better about it, and as evidenced by the shared experiences of many adoptees, often conditions adopted children to make a correlation between love and abandonment or instability.
I know it is often hard for someone to wrap their brain around this type of thinking when they have only heard glowing reviews of adoption their entire lives. Adoption has some of the best marketing I've ever seen! :) I grew up with it, too, and that is precisely why I went running to a Christian adoption agency when I found myself in crisis. I thought I was running to the professionals who would help me know what to do. I trusted them. And it turned out, I was right. They helped me right along into believing that I was unfit and that the best way I could love my daughter was to give her to someone else. Here I sit today, an accomplished, contributing member of society with an even more accomplished husband and two precious children. I have many blessings in my life. But they are IN SPITE of relinquishing my daughter, rather than BECAUSE of it. :)
I do not find this story inspiring, I find it heartbreaking. I do not believe that our Father, the one to whom we can cry "Abba" (daddy), purposes one woman's grief and loss for another's gain. Carol sees herself as "a carrier of a miracle for another family". My heart breaks for the day a different understanding begins to dawn.
I do not see my mother (natural mother) in this way at all. She did not carry me "for" my parents, though they know they benefitted from her decision. This is something their hearts have struggled with from the day they brought me home. Instead, I am filled with compassion for a girl who very likely believed she didn't have any other choice.
Anonymous got it right: "Love isn't what causes a woman to surrender. It's desperation... " And when the world seems to be shouting that THIS is the loving choice, it becomes nearly impossible to untangle the two.
My heart goes out to Carol. I respect her right to choose for herself and to make sense of this in her own way. Who am I to say differently? Of course, I would not wish for her to regret her decision. But her story is not finished yet, and I suppose I fear for what might lie ahead.
I have a very different perspective on this story and that is because I can relate to some degree to all of the people involved. I am an adult adoptee and have 4 children two from my first marriage and two younger ones that I have adopted from the fostercare system. Compared to my adoption story and my two younger children's story I believe that Carol is a peach. I would be so blessed if she were either my birthmother (a chronoligical impossiblity) or my children's birthmother. She is the type of mother that they had in mind for open adoption agreements. I would love to have a responsible caring birthmother to share stories about how my children are growing, as excited and interested in first tooth, learning to ride a bike. Someone to have a healthy connection with and even though they made the choice not to parent whanted to play a role in childrens life.
But also as an adoptee i know that biology does not equal a relationship. That one of the mothers has a title and well deserve respect for being the birthmother and deserves honor and the other adoptive mother is doing the actual parenting and is the one doing the mothering and a parent in the verb form. I would hope that having an adoption experience in my childhood and then being an adoptive parent would make me feel less judgmental and willing to realize that other have their own life experiences and make their decisions on what they know and feel to be the right thing at the time.
Not sure what you mean anonymous. I too am an adoptive mom, and an adoptee. I'm an adoptive aunt, and am part of a birth family. I too can relate to all the parties, just happen to see it a bit differently. I truly am not standing in judgement. It's just that I've been part of the adoption "conversation" long enough to realize there are many layers, and that things are not always as simplistic as they seem. I'm sure adopting from foster care adds some additional elements. I know families who have done this, and understand there can be additional issues. Some of the families I know are able to continue being involved with the the child's family. I'm sure it varies depending on the issues.
I do agree that Carol seems like a peach. :)
So happy to have found this blog and recently the forum. It will be a great resource to me.
I am currently sharing our adoption story on my blog as well as the birth mothers perspective. Please feel free to link to it.
Hey everyone this is carol. And I like all of your comments. It has been some time since I wrote that, and have grown since. I am now married to the love of my life, Joshua! We are expecting our first child together. My 3rd in a sense (4th). I have only seen my birthdaughter once since she was born. :( I have asked to see her one more time. But yet to recieve an answer. It has been a process. And by going to some of these lds birthmother meetings. Has me in wonder if they are all brainwashed. That may sound harsh. But all I hear (as well as I thought myself) was this was gods plan for me. To give this family a child! Then I think. NO! God did not ask you to go behind your parents back and have sexual relations out of wedlock at an early age. It is by the grace of God, that he has forgiven you and gave you an option for a better life for this child. See we disobey the lord in many ways, and then try to rationalize why it's ok. I am a Christian and I am in no way against LDS. But time and time again. I hear them rationalizing there mistakes. A child is a blessing. No natter what the circumstances. God did not want us to suffer so hard, by placing a child with another family. God is here for our questions. Though it can be a painful experience, so is sacrafice. And that's what we do!
Post a Comment