I just wanted to be mom. I wanted to be called mom (I've settled for Boss), I wanted to do mom things, I wanted to change diapers (it's true we take it for granted until we may not be able to ever experience it), I wanted to take my kids to their activities, watch them grow, kiss their scraped knees, and teach them new things.
The last three days I have received email after email telling me how adoption hurts. I have been told over and over my kids will hurt. I never want my kids to hurt. I understand they have a birth history and it may be hard for them to understand. If they require help in understanding we will make sure that happens.
I was unable to have a biological baby. My body decided not to cooperate. I still felt I had the right to be a mother. Brian and I had the right to raise a family and enjoy parenthood. Our boys' families chose us, they saw something good in us and decided we should parent their children. None of us did anything wrong. We were not wrong to want to be parents and the boys' birth parents did nothing wrong by wanting a different life for their children.
We love our boys. Their birth families love them. Our family was formed through adoption. We believe in our house adoption is a blessing. We believe the boys' birth families are good, selfless, wonderful people. Our boys will never be told otherwise.
Adoption can be good. I believe that.
23 comments:
yes, adoption can hurt but so can having a mom who isn't able to care for you emotionally, financially, physically, or mentally. Some woman are blessed with a working womb but it doesn't mean they should or can be mothers.
I think you and your husband are giving the boys the best life you can and if they grow up hurting, I know you will help them work through those issues. Adoption is beautiful...I have many adoptee friends who are encouraging us to adopt.
Amen! As an adoptive mother myself, I do understand that there are birthparents who were misled, mistreated, etc. That does not mean adoption in & of itself is the Great Evil. Adoption is simply an alternate to abortion or parenting.
Just because someone else made a different choice does not mean their choice was bad. Everyone involved in an adoption triad is there for a reason, wanting the best for a child. I just wish people would respectfully agree to disagree instead of getting ugly.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Amen. Of course adoption is good.
And any hurt kids have about their past would only be magnified if they were not adopted and grew up in the system. Adoption is a wonderful blessing!
beautiful. i agree
So many families have been touched by Adoption. We usually think that this means that others will be accepting if not supportive of this way to build a family. But I think that for every family that has had a blessing that somewhere else is another family having a tremendous loss of a child in their family. This causes grief and anger for the birthfamilies and friends of the adoptee. You know there is so much out their to prepare adoptive parents for reciveing a child, parenting, adjustment, talking to your child about their history. But very little preparation is given for negative response to adoption, a unsupportive cousin, an angry neighbor. These may be fueled my a expereince of a loss of a loved one through adoption. I think that the best thing we can do is acknowlege that their experience is their own and real and they are not angry at you as a person but rather they see the loss involved in adoption.
I'm just sending all my love your way. You are incredible, and your story is amazing. You have done nothing wrong. You have given love and been the best mom and child could hope for. Adoption IS good - please don't let anyone take that away from you - ever!
Hugs to you!
I know it's easy for me to say but, you've gotta shake off the haters.
Adoption is an amazing thing and you are an amazing woman!
Hope you have some peace soon. :-)
I think you are amazing. I know the longing to be a mom. I was eventually able to have a pregnancy which resulted in my two girls. That you could not and chose to be a loving mother to children who needed you, is nothing short of selfless and amazing. There is no doubt adoption is hard, that it is painful at some point. There will be questions but you will have the answers for your children. Your very loved, extremely blessed, children.
Oh, for pete's sake! Adoption is amazing! People seriously need to get lives. Your kids lives will be amazing with you as their mother, and I don't know you! There are people who can not take care of their kids out there. It is sad, but true. Then there are people like you who give those kids a chance and a loving home! Try not to let this affect you any more than it has. People just need to be negative and they happened to fall on you. I doubt anyone even believes what they are writing. They just want to spread dissent! Hugs for you Adoptive Momma. :) Keep up the great work!
Taiya Cargo
http://cargoofjoy.blogspot.com/
coming over from blog frog to say thank you. i grew up in well lets just say a interesting life and it would have been wonderful to have a good mother. i have had 2 friends who have adopted babies and it is the most precious thing i have ever seen. Rather you adopt from foster care or from a private adoption or from another country it is a blessing and I am glad you can do it
You couldn't have said this better. I have been feeling the same way as I have read the comments from your post. I feel this way when I read the comments from other similar posts. I sometimes feel guilty.
I know that we will love our daughter forever and no matter what. We will help her in any way we can if she has feelings of loss and resentment. No one wants to see their child suffer and I hope that we are able to provide what help she needs when the time comes. We want what's best for her, I hope her birthmother felt the same way when she chose us.
We entered adoption with such pure and positive thoughts. It pains me to think that we may be "damaging" our children. When I read the sad and angry comments it's hard not to take it personally. It makes me feel that so many believe adoptive parents are the bad people. We wanted a family. It's such a basic desire.
I know our daughter would have been loved if she was living with her first mother. Her life would have been different, which isn't always bad. I am so grateful that we are getting the chance to raise her and love her. This doesn't change that her birthmother may regret her decision, which we do not know. This also doesn't change that in the future she may feel resentment and sadness towards us or adoption in general. We will always do what's best for her and help her and love her. She's our number 1 priority.
Thank you Anonymous, your last sentence helps.
Thank you Addoptive Momma for putting yourself out there, it's hard but I really appreciate your blog.
Don't let people who don't know you or your precious children tell you what you did is wrong and your children won't be well adjusted. It is very clear that you adore and love the mess out of those two precious children and there is no doubt in my mind that you aren't constantly seeking what is best for them. Just keep on doing what you do best, parenting and encouraging those of us that are on the way to becoming parents through adoption ourselves!
While I believe it takes a really special person to decide that her child would have a better life through adoption, I also believe that it truely takes a special person to adopt that child. My brother was adopted, and is a wonderful person. We always used to say he was special because he was chosen. You absolutely have just as much of a right as anyone to be a parent, and I feel sometimes the possiblity of not being one, makes us better for it. Keep on keeping on, you know in your heart this was meant for you!
I am amazed that people have found reasons to be against adoption and can only imagine the place of pain that their negative comments come from. Hold your head up high, sister! You know in your heart and mind that your babies were meant to be in your arms. Have a great weekend and continue to be proud of your children and your decision to adopt.
Love to you and your family!
Thanks for all the nice comments you are all appreciated!
I'm adopted, my sister is adopted (international) and my daughter is adopted.
There are some struggles with parenting and adoption...But this doesn't make adoption bad!
I have to share, in real life i have not met anyone who is an angry adoptee, i have only seen these people online and in a specific adoption website.
I do think some people (in the minority) suffer from the "Primal Wound" ...i think others need to accept accountability for life.
Who is to say MY life would have been better or worse with my birth parents. Life is too short to fully entertain this thought. I will never know...I can just accept what my life has been and work through that!
If it were not for an orphanage adoption in Nebraska in 1940, I guarantee that I would not exist two generations later! I cannot grasp what alternative anti-adoption people would suggest... that unwanted babies should live in an orphanage? That the baby should be aborted? That their birth parents should be forced to raise them and risk neglect, abuse or worse? oh my. God bless you for knowing that adoption IS good, no matter the struggles and hardships that might also come with it!
I'm sorry you were hurt. :( I don't know if you are referring to the comments on your post a few days ago, or if you received additional emails. I agree that it's very hard when discussions go south and nastiness occurs. Not only is it hurtful, but it impedes our ability to hear eachother.
I want to VERY gently say though, that I thought the discussion on your post the other day was very important. I hope that people will go back to it and open their minds to seeing the entirety of adoption, rather than just the "win/win" we're all so accustomed to.
As I read through the comments here, it does hurt me, as an adoptee, to see people say things like "people just need to get on with their lives", "I am amazed people have found reasons to be against adoption", and "adoption is amazing." There is just so much more to it than that. My parents most certainly are amazing :), and I love my family dearly. Likewise, my daughter and I adore eachother. However, this doesn't change the fact that we each must find a way to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that we are seperated from the women who bore us. This isn't bitterness, it's just reality, and it stings a bit when people do not seem to want to acknowledge this aspect of adoption.
I'm sure you are a wonderful mama. I know that as moms we just don't want our kids to hurt, and every child is so different that we really can't predict who will feel content and who will struggle. I do think it benefits adoptive families to hear about emotions other adoptees have experienced so they can be prepared for the many varied feelings their children might have.
I hope you don't find my comments hurtful. I in no way mean to suggest you that you should not find joy in being a mama to your children.
You are an amazing woman, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Trust in what you believe in. You're doing an amazing thing.
You are amazing! Your family is amazing!
((HUGS))
Oh, goodness. I just cannot even imagine anyone saying adoption hurts. To me it's like saying "tender loving care" hurts. When I need TLC, perhaps what hurt me hurts, but the TLC doesn't. I like to look at different perspectives but I am too invested in this one. I just can't see how a loving family of any kind, really, could hurt. I love your thoughts!
Being adopted is no more the cure for the loss of a biological family than adopting a child is the cure for losing a baby to stillbirth or miscarriage. Love does not conquer all in the world of adoption no more than it conquers the pain of infertility or loss of a child. Love can SUPPORT someone who has lost something, but adoption in itself is not TLC. That is a very limited perspective void of discernment. I am concerned that someone could believe that. Deeply concerned if they have already adopted a child and believe this. Here are two posts that are not only gentle in tone but also very articulate and intelligent that may help a person understand why there is loss nomatter WHAT type of adoption a person is a part of.
Michelle is an adult adoptee, mother of biological children, and mother to an adopted daughter. She is eloquent and humble. You can find her post on this subject at http://thewarriorprincessdiaries.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-frequent-adoption-forum.html
Mei Ling is an adult adoptee, born in Taiwan and raised in Canada. She is a fabulous writer and offers an invaluable window into the heart of an adoptee. She most recently posted on the subject of dismissing the adoptee's loss in comparison to those who embrace the loss that infertility brings. Her writing is always spot on and will provoke a lot of introspection. You can find this post at http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2010/03/13/theyre-real-to-me/
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